Silent But Deadly

So…the final night of Bruce/Luke month.  And what a good night it was.  A good night, which does not happen very often on Sunday nights.  We had waited a very long time for these movies.  So, without any further ado, we submit for your approval, Army of Darkness and Silent Venom.

Army of Darkness

Person responsible: Steve

Now, I realize that this movie does not meet the normal Sunday night qualifications.  Yes, it’s entertaining, and yes we did actually enjoy ourselves.  However, cult classic or not, it is a B-movie. It is bad, even if it is in the best possible way.  So, before I get yelled at, try to realize that it is a cheesy movie, and it does have some very bad mistakes.  That being said, yes we did pick it as a bit of a treat for ourselves after the terrible, terrible things we have endured this month.

The story?  Well, not that it is too important for you to know, but it’s basically a Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s court…..with evil skeletons.  Ash(Bruce) is sucked into the middle ages while battling an evil awakened by the Book of the Dead.  Well, you can imagine that a brash, smart mouthed retail worker from the future does not meld well with the knights of the round.  He does in fact deck a King Arthur with a sweet medieval mullet.  He wows them with his shotgun and chainsaw, and he confuses them with his modern speech.  What is the obvious choice?  Send him on a quest of course!

For Ash to return to his own time, he needs to retrieve the book of the dead.  No, not the one from his time, the one from this time.  Conveniently, the residents of the castle also need the book for their own intents and purposes.  So, Ash travels forth into the cruel world armed only with his chainsaw, his shotgun and the words to speak when picking up the book of the dead.  “Klatu Verrata Neckto.”

Well, he hits a few bumps along the way.  Bumps like an army of little Ash’s attacking him Gulliver’s Travels style.  Or the evil twin that pops up and mocks him.  However, he powers through the adversity and eventually retrieves the book of the dead.  Remember those special words I mentioned earlier?  Well, Ash did not.  And in not remembering the words, he awoke an army of the dead led by the evil twin he killed.

The dead army marches on the castle and Ash rises as the leader and they eventually defeat the deadites.  Ash is sent back to his own time, and all is well with the world.  Now, you might be asking yourself why this movie qualifies for b-movie night.  I have mentioned some goofy moments, but nothing terrible.  Well, here are some of the beautiful moments from the movie that made us feel justified by watching something that we actually enjoy.

1. When Ash is first dropped out of the sky into the middle ages, he lands hard….on a landing mat.
2. Later in the movie, he shoots evil Ash in the face.  The force from the blast knocks evil Ash into a tree.  The tree moves upon impact….moves a lot.
3. Ash loses his hand in Evil Dead 2 and has a stub in Army of Darkness.  He is being led in stocks to the castle.  The stub is in the socks.  Wouldn’t he be able to just slip that right out?
4. Ash is being chased by the “evil.”  It goes over water, down hills, and even splits trees in half on its way.  However, when Ash runs in a windmill and closes the wooden door…it can not get in.  Can not open it, can not break it down.  Splits trees in half, but not a door.
5. Ash has on about 4 different shoes during the movie.  In Evil Dead 2 he had on more of a house shoe, in the beginning of Army of Darkness, he has on a hiking shoe.  Then moves on to a boot about 1 minute later, back to the hiking shoe and so on and so forth for the entire movie.
6. The deadites are all wearing helmets during the castle attack.  These helmets are from all sorts of time periods, there are Chinese, Japanese, knight helmets, World War 2.  Wait, world war two happened after the middle ages…..right?
7. Oh Ash, you and your refusal to adhere to the realm of believability when it comes to your shotgun.  You have a double barreled shotgun.  There is no pump action, why do you insist on constantly having a “cocking” noise coming from the gun.  Also, it is a “double barreled” shotgun.  Not a triple barreled or a quad barreled.  That may sound awesome, but stop shooting 3 or 4 shots before reloading.  It’s not possible.

So, there you have it…justification.  The movie deserves to be on Sunday night as much as it deserves the top rating.  It has awful moments and stupid mistakes.  Did we cheat a little and watch a movie that we all knew we would like?  Yes.  But hey, we deserve it at this point.

Overall Rating:

5 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Silent Venom

Person responsible: David

Ally and I found this movie at Walmart about 2 months ago, and have been counting down the weekends until we got to watch it.  It stars Luke Perry as a submarine captain who is about to retire.  Ya, retire.  He looks old enough for a retirement after 20 years as a submarine captain, right?  Not so much? Well, it’s about as believable as him playing a tough as nails wealth of experience and knowledge submarine captain.

He is commissioned to take an old US sub to the third world country that we are selling it to.  Well, of course during all of this he has to rescue a few scientists that are trapped in the middle of a Chinese military drill.  What kind of scientists you ask?  Why radioactive venomous snake scientists of course.  Well, long story made short, the snakes get out and start biting people.   So now they have to survive the snakes while staying under the radar (or in this case under the sonar) or the Chinese fleet.  So, yes, it is in essence…snakes on a submarine.

This movie was awesome.  There was so much wrong with this movie, but it didn’t even matter.  So much fun.  Let’s start with the submarine.  Well, it had tile floors and wooden baseboards.  Didn’t quite make sense on a submarine.  Also, it was seemingly the smallest submarine ever built.  It appears to be comprised solely of an engine room, two hallways, a deck, two crew quarter rooms, and a torpedo room.   Or the crew that had small black nametags with white lettering for their names.  I seriously looked like a name tag from some little diner.  Or the sad realization that Luke Perry’s second in command is Mr. Turner from Boy Meets World.

The snakes….oh dear Lord, the snakes.  Second worst CGI snake that we have seen on Sundays.  The two, radioactive, venomous, rapidly growing rattle snakes that look nothing like rattle snakes.  They almost looked like cartoons.  Or how about the fact that most of the snakes in fact are non venomous.  If you are going to CGI some snakes, at least make them venomous.  Or the fact that their eyes glow.  Not shine or gleam in the light….glow.  Come on!

Or how about the two favorite snake facts of the night?

1.  When the snakes first got loose, we find out that there are 22 on board.  However….they are everywhere.  Honestly, if we were to give a conservative estimate of how many snakes were on the ship…it would be triple digits.  There would be 10 crawling around in the hall, and then 2 minutes later, there would be 8 in the torpedo room, but don’t forget the seven that are in the kitchen, or the 9 in the control room, or the 12 in  the engine room, or the 5 in the bunks.  Interestingly enough…they never showed up in the medical room.  Apparently one bite was enough.

2. A rubber snake.  Yes, you heard me.  There is a scene where there are snakes crawling all over the floor and the crew has to get across.  Well, one of the snakes appears to be a bit too bright of a green and a bit on the lethargic side.  Well, that’s because it is a run of the mill toy rubber snake.  Simply brilliant.

How about some quotes?!

1. I don’t know, I just got out of submarine school.”
2. Beware, there are highly venomous snakes on the ship.  There bite is toxic.”
3. It’s an island.  I don’t know what to expect on an island.”

Now, the best part of this movie was Luke Perry.  He ran face first into a ladder and got a bloody nose.  He beat a snake with a phone.  Later he beat a different snake with a clipboard and threw his gun at it.  And there are countless other moments or lines that I won’t put in here because you just have to see them. This honestly is one of the most fun to watch movies we have had.  And my personal favorite so far.

Overall Rating:

4 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Quotes from us for the night:

Steve:  “I just wanna say….booblight.”

Steve:  “How would you like to poop out a little me?”

Ally:    “Wait, a little you, or a little me?”

Steve:  “I like Water world.’

Steve:  “Snakes in a condo.”

Ally:  “Snakes in a timeshare.”

David: “Snakes in a nursing home.”

So, as previously stated, this past Sunday was outstanding.  Arguably the best night so far.  We were very ready to be rid of Bruce/Luke month, but admitting, it was a great way to end the month.  Now, on into December and bad Christmas movies.  This is going to suck so bad.  Seriously, I get a bit depressed looking at the outline for the December movies.  Buckle up kiddies.

Thanks for listening chiiiiildreeeeen!

I Wish These Movies Could Transmorph Into Good Movies

Week 4 of Bruce/Luke month is in the bag.  If it is still in that bag, someone needs to beat it mercilessly.  We made a little change last night into the normal lineup.  We didn’t have a Luke Perry movie for last night, but earlier in the week, we came into a copy of a movie that we had watched previews of before.  A movie that could not be anything but terrible.  Transmorphers.  Yes…that’s right, a mock-buster.  We found it, and watched it, and it was a mistake, a very big mistake.  Not to say the Bruce Campbell movie wasn’t a mistake…because it was.  It was a bad night.  So, we submit for your approval, The Man with the Screaming Brain, and Transmorphers.

Man with the Screaming Brain

Person Responsible: Steve takes all the blame

Written by: Bruce Campbell.  Starring:  Bruce Campbell.  Directed by:  Bruce Campbell.  Now, as anyone would no doubt assume, this is a very bad thing.  And they would be right.  Words fail in this situation.  The plot? (If there is one)  A businessman is in Bulgaria, and he gets killed by a gypsy woman, and his cab driver also gets killed by the same gypsy woman.  Bruce Campbell’s character is hit in the head with a pipe and the cabbie is shot.  Well, they transfer part of the cabbie’s undamaged brain into Bruce Campbell’s undamaged body.  So now, there are two people in the same body, both of whom want to seek revenge on the same person.

Did I forget to mention Campbell’s wife?  His wife that cheated on him with the cabbie while Bruce was in a meeting?  Ya, she went to take revenge on the gypsy, and she was killed as well.  And then her brain was put into a robot woman.  That’s right, a robot woman.  An of course she is now hell bent on revenge as well.  So now, we have three brains in two bodies, one of which is robotic, seeking revenge on one gypsy woman in a wedding dress.  Everybody still with me?  Good.

So, they end up getting their revenge, but the gypsy kills the wife…again.  Yes, she stabbed her in the robot brain.  So, the closing scene of the movie has Bruce Campbell, still with two people in his brain, but functioning well in society now.  And his wife, who’s brain has been transported into a new body.  Whose body you ask?  Why the gypsy’s body of course!  My Lord what a bad movie.

How about a list of the highlights?

1. The knife that the gypsy kept using was very obviously fake.  The kind you buy as a kid.  It has the blade that slides back into the handle.  If you slow it down, you can actually see this process.
2. The gypsy woman has a mouth twitch.  And when I say a mouth twitch, I mean her mouth twitches uncontrollably and likens her to a small rodent.
3. When the wife dies, all of the gypsy’s come out to loot.  So racist.
4. The gun that the gypsy woman uses….it does not have a silencer.  However, it’s sound does.  Amazing.
5. Bruce Campbell steals a vespa, and wrecks it.  After he walks away, it blows up.  And when I say blows up, I mean a firecracker goes off.  Yes, what appears to be a blackcat or m-80 goes off on top of the vespa…and that’s it.
6. Random scenes of a CGI brain.  No other CGI work in the movie.
7. When the two brains are in Bruce’s head, the cabbies voice talks to him.  But, it echoes like a lame interior monologue.
8. There was a science lab.  And it was bad.  Apparently the budget ran out before they made it.  It consisted of a series of strategically placed bookcases and sheets.  These covered up what I can only guess is a studio apartment.
9. Bruce went to what appeared to be a fancy restaurant.  Fancy until the “salad bar.”  The salad bar literally consisted of a little table with a white table cloth.  On top of which was place about six medium sized bowls half full of random chopped vegetables. None of which had anything to do with salad.  No lettuce, no tomatoes.

10. Death=Love.  We now know it to be true.  Anytime someone died in the movie, there was this sentiment that was absent before.  Cheaters, killers, it didn’t matter, all are forgiven and mourned when they are dying.

11. “I didn’t know Americans smoked.”

12. “You stole the car that I stole you freak!”

13. Son of a goat!”

This movie was bad.  Not good bad at all.  It was just awful.  It had a few funny parts and that was about the only good thing that I could say about this crapburger.  I think Steve put it best when he talked about this movie.  “You know, Bruce Campbell ranted online for 6 years to make this movie, and he finally got his chance.  I’ve heard it said that everyone on this planet has a story to tell.  And if this is Bruce Campbell’s story, I am very, very sad for him.”

Overall rating:

1 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Transmorphers

Person responsible: David & Ally

This is a movie that we have looked for months to find.  We saw a preview of it on the Poseidon Adventure.  Yes, it is a mock-buster.  A cheap rip off of a big budget blockbuster movie.  Obviously it is Transformers that they are riffing on.  How bad could this be?  Extremely as a matter of fact.

I won’t even go into the story line for two reasons.  First, it is completely unimportant.  Second, it made absolutely no sense!   Not a bit.  All three of us watched that movie, and not one of us can come up with a valid explanation as to what happened.  It was the biggest mess of a movie that I have ever seen.  Nothing made sense, the acting was terrible, it had some of the creepiest looking actresses I have ever seen, the production value was embarrassing, and the dialogue was even more confusing than the plot.

Let’s start off with the directing.  Random shots in split screen does not make the movie good.  And if splitting it into two screens doesn’t make it good, three is not going to help either.  There was more than one time where out of nowhere the movie went to split screen set up…but there was only one screen.  So basically, for 15 seconds, we just had to watch everything on a smaller ratio.  The voices…oh my, the voices.  It was like watching a kung fu movie.  None of the movies matched up with the actor’s mouth.  And this was not a translated and dubbed movie.  These are American actors speaking English.  How could this happen?  Sloppiness?  Laziness?  Or just good ole’ fashion bad filmmaking?  You tell me.  Whatever way you slice it, it was hard to focus on anything because words were spoken when mouths weren’t moving and vice versa.  Even better, apparently some dialogue was left on the cutting room floor, and there would be a 20 second conversation between two people and there would be no audible dialogue.

The uniforms that these military officers wear are equally lazy.  Leather jackets and what appear to be welding goggles.  And bad hair.  Also, there is a scene where there are some new recruits standing at “attention.”  However, not one of them is standing the same.  Arms behind the back, arms at their sides, at ease, hands open, hands made into fists.  No big deal, it’s just a stance I guess.

How about the technology?  They have this spanning underground city that rivals Cloud City from Star Wars. Yet, their radar looks like a nice game of Galaga.  Endless technology and they are looking at blips and bleeps of triangles and circles.   Or their guns that seem to be firing roman candles at the robots.  Or static balls.  Not really sure what they are firing, but whatever they were, they did not look powerful at all.    This was evident by the lack of damage on the Transmorphers.

And of course, everyone’s favorite foul up in the movie:  the gun fights.  Obviously, in this kind of movie, there will be lots of high tech gun play.  Except in this movie…the guns seemed to not be working.  At the first of the movie, when someone fired a weapon, you saw and heard the discharge.  However, after the first 15 minutes, that was no longer so.  People would be making the movement of the gun firing, but there would be no sound or discharge.  Also, more than once you had a nice close up of someone shooting.  This close up would be tight enough to see their trigger finger going to work.  If only they could have squeezed such method acting out of the actual gun.  You guessed it, no sound, no firing, no nothing.  I became, much like the voice over, hard to focus on anything else.

You may notice that I made very little mention of the actual robots.  Bad CGI robots are better than no robots?  Not true, friends.  Not true.  Not only that, but the robots never really turned into anything.  I think one was a hill, and one may have been a tower.  No tanks, no semis, nothing at all interesting.  Most of the time they just dropped in and started attacking.  Which is fine, but this is a rip off of Transformers.  The robots in Transformers are in disguise, hence the catch phrase “robots in disguise.”  The robots in this movie are more along the lines of “robots in plain sight.”

You want a Transmorphers quote?  A little tribute to our batman and robin days apparently.  “Man.  You’d think that being cryogenically frozen for five years would chill you out.”

Overall rating:

 

 

 

1 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

And for the quotes from us?

Steve: “No, no I do not want my robot penis to be bigger.”

Steve: “That certainly looks like more than I grabbed.”

Ally: “Ha-ha.  You’re gonna hang out with pedophiles for the rest of eternity.”

David: “That movie sucked.  I’m getting some Tylenol.  Anyone else need it?”

So, week four is down and out.  And so are we.  This was one of the worst weeks yet.  Neither of the movies really had anything to offer.  Well, other than a headache and a newfound extreme hatred for robot movies.  All I can say is I am so ready for Bruce/Luke month to be over.  Or maybe I’m just ready for bad Christmas movies.  No, that cannot be it at all.  Well, that’s all for this week, tune in next week for the conclusion o this month.  Army of Darkness and Silent Venom.  Who’s excited?  You should be.

Thanks for listening chiiiildreeeen.

Perry + Campbell = You Do the Maths

Midway through Bruce Campbell/Luke Perry month, and things are well.  This month has not been nearly as bad as we had all worried it would be.  Still bad, very very bad…but not nearly as unenjoyable as we had foreseen. This week it was the exciting conclusion of Supernova and a delightful little Bruce Campbell movie involving airports, aliens and convicts.  We submit for your approval, Supernova part 2, and Terminal Invasion.

Supernova part 2

Person Responsible: David & Ally.

Now, before jumping into the plot of the second part of this movie…I would like to pose a question?  Why is St. Louis always the first to be destroyed?  This is not the first or even second movie in which St. Louis is the first to go.  Maybe they hate the people?  Maybe the arch just looks dramatic being blown apart.  Who knows?  All I know is that if the sun is going to explode, there is a robotic uprising or a black hole….the gateway to the west is not an ideal place to be.

Now, as far as the plot for part 2.  We start with a government agent helping Luke Perry escape from the underground facility.  You remember the underground failsafe facility that houses all the smart and attractive people in the US in case of just such an emergency.  Well, he escapes, and now they are on the run from the government and from solar flares that are now raining down on the landscape.

All the while, Peter Fonda is hanging out on a secluded beach waiting for the world to end.  He found a little bar and a little bar tender, and they fall madly in love over the course of the next two days.  How could this happen so quickly?  Well, first off, Peter Fonda has a sweet dolphin tattoo on his shoulder.  And second, the fact that there is never any other customer at this beach side bar.  So, they have plenty of alone time…until a solar flare comes raining down on their little cottage.  Beautiful.

Back to the Perry.  After stealing a car, they drive aimlessly through the desert while Luke Perry whines about not being able to figure out an equation.  “I wish Shepherd wasn’t so friggin’ smart and I wasn’t so stupid.”  That’s an excellent wish Luke Perry, don’t give up the dream.

So, they run out of gas and are left trying to fix a car in the middle of the night.  Ya, they ran out of gas, and they are trying to fix the car.  That’s when the rave-mobile drives up.  The rave-mobile is what appears to be a flatbed truck covered in Christmas lights, with a love seat in the back.  Also, it is just full to the brim with stoned drunk ravers on their way to an end of the world party.  So what does an on the lamb government official do when the see a very musical vehicle coming their way?  Pull her gun…just in case…you never know, they may be dangerous.

In a large derailment from the plot, Perry and his government gal pal get carted to this celebration of impending doom.  How to describe the party….dancing?  Check!  Alcohol?  Check!  Bad music?  Check!  Dirtbikes?  Check…?  Shrine to the forthcoming destruction of the world.  Check…?  What a great party!

After stealing another car, finally they make their way back to Perry’s lab so they can look for answers.  Well, the gangs all here.  His boss, the awkward reporter, the random scientists that have scurried around for the last three hours but never had a line.  They all collectively look for a flaw in the original formula…and they find it.  What does that mean?  It means that there will be no supernova.  Hey rioters and people undoubtedly committing suicide due to the utter destruction of the world…..Just Kidding!  What a croc.  Here are a few favorite moments:

1. No religious references throughout the whole movie…and then one random Revelations reference out of nowhere.
2. Bodies in trash bags…not even body bags…trash bags.
3. During the riots, there seemed to be a reoccurring theme:  If someone was on fire….he needs to be kicked.
4. The reporter that had been fighting and risking her career all movie to “get the truth out at whatever cost”, has a sudden change of conscience.  And I mean sudden.
5. Oh…the serial killer/rapist or whatever he is.  Man, he steals, kills his own “partner” and doesn’t even utter a word.  He is just so crazy!  He is so out of his mind that he just commits crimes all the time.  Of course he is surrounded by people beating each other and looting, so his utter insanity is perhaps lost in the mix.
6. The solar diarrhea.  I know, I know, it was in last week’s list…but it’s just so weird looking, that it warrants another mention.
7. The serial killer drops to all fours and runs around like a primate for a short time.
8. Luke Perry’s mouth acting wife who is tormented by the killer, all the sudden turns vigilante and guns him down on the deck.  And gets very angry at the gun that she used.  Gives the gun an awful look and throws it into the pond.
9. After the news is broken that there is no supernova, it starts to rain.  Everyone is so happy.  Dancing in the streets, laughing.  Even the patients of a make shift outside clinic are happy.  Are they excited about the terrible infection that this acid rain will be no doubt causing in there newly amputated limbs? …we may never know.

10. And if the entire thing was a miscalculation and the sun is not in fact going to blow up and destroy the earth…then where did all of those solar flares that decimated the earth come from?

That’s all I really care to write about this movie.  It was goofy, it was bad, and it was slightly entertaining at points.  And beware the drinking game.  Drink every time Luke Perry’s wife makes some strange facial expression to further explain her feelings.  It is not a good idea.  I’ll just say that I am very thankful that Steve brought extra.

I leave you with a little equation of my own:   Supernova part 1 + Supernova part 2 =not good.

In the immortal words of the main scientist “You do the maths.”

Overall Rating for Pt. 2:

 

 

2 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

 

 

Terminal Invasion

Person Responsible: Steve Brought it. David picked it.

We start off with Bruce Campbell in the back of a squad car.  Wait, Bruce is a convict?  Well, the officer driving the car crashes and they are now stuck wailing through a blizzard to the nearest building.  This building just so happens to be an airport that is housing a handful of frustrated passengers.   This blizzard has not only grounded all air traffic and made driving almost impossible…but it has also knocked out any kind of communication.  How convenient.

The officers and Bruce show up and there is immediate tension due to the convicted felon now present.  The action starts in the bathroom, that’s right, in the bathroom.  Bruce unmasks an alien due to his keen criminal knowledge of the details of religion.  The alien kills both of the officers before Bruce bashes his head in with a fire extinguisher.  Bruce then takes over the airport in order to escape the authorities that have not been called due to the blizzard.

Over the next hour and a half, there is a power struggle back and forth between Bruce and the self proclaimed “alpha female.”   The power changes hands back and forth throughout most of the movie until a mutual trust is found.  Oh ya, and of course they are finding out random members of the passengers are aliens.  Honestly, it’s almost a side story to the pissing contest between Bruce Campbell and the “alpha female.”

Now this movie had some special dialogue.  Most of the movie was completely predictable.  From what happened to what was said, there were very few surprises.  One of those few however, was a black man named Darien.  Darien practically oozed stereotype.  His speech, his slang, his cloths, the way he walked, his attitude and his name.  So awesome.  Best character of the movie.  And he ended up being the head alien.   Quite startling.

Now, this wasn’t so much a bad movie as it was just not a good movie.  It was like watching wings with a convict and aliens.  Here are some fun facts:

1. All of the action was shot and then sped up on screen, creating that night fast forward effect.
2. The line uttered by the businessman, “Can I have a pee?”
3. Darien refusing to believe that there are aliens and using evaporating bullets as the explanation for why the alien body evaporated after being shot.
4. Darien again refusing to believe that there are aliens.  This time he talks about technology that he knows we could have.  He knows all about area 51.  So, he used area 51 in his rant to discredit the possibility that it might be aliens.
5. Married couple argues all the time.  They have a sentimental moment and the husband says, “When we argue, it’s the only time we feel real.”   What?
6. The head alien (Darien), gets attacked by Bruce Campbell.  He hits him with a big wrench, and another big wrench, and a big pipe, and a tire iron.  None of them do a thing to him.  But then, he gets chopped up by the wooden propeller.
7. Shameless self promotion.  It is a SciFi channel original movie.  And there is dialogue about the SciFi channel in the movie.
8. An alien disguised as a woman got shot in the chest.  Where? You might ask.  So did we.  The bullet hole and blood didn’t appear for another two minutes.

This was another bad Bruce Campbell movie that was actually quite entertaining.  It was a very very poorly written (by 3 people) movie.  But it was just stupid enough to be enjoyable.

Overall Rating:

4 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Let’s have some of our quotes from the night:

1. David “Cheese and Jesus?  Cheesus?”
2. Steve “Ally, we need your boobs for an experiment.”
3. Steve “I have fritos stuck in my teeth, and it’s excellent.”
4. Ally “That’s what I use MY airduct for.”
5. David  “So…pushing and screaming.  Good for having a baby and for avoiding aliens.”

So, all in all, a good third week to Bruce/Luke month.  Next week there will be a bit of a change and we are very excited about it.  I’m not gonna tell, because I am very good at keeping secrets.  Until next week…

Thanks for listening chiiiiiildreeeen!!!!

Perry & Campbell, Sunnyside Up

Well, now.  Week two of Bruce/Luke month was quite a night.  And honestly, not an altogether bad night.  We watched Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat, and the first half of Supernova.  Bad?  Why yes!  Entertainingly bad?  Absolutely. Now, of course there were moments that were just too bad to be enjoyable, but the good/bad outweighed the bad/bad for once.  So, here it is, the good, the bad, the made of clay…the highlights of the night.  We submit for your approval: Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat and part one of Supernova.

Sundown

Person responsible: Steve Brought it… Ally picked it.

Wow.  What an interesting concept.  A vampire, tired of the day to day killing and sucking blood, decides to find a new way to live.  And what way is that?  Why buy a small town in the desert (conveniently named “Purgatory”) and fill it with vampires that want to live a more peaceful life.  And to do this, they build a synthetic blood-making facility and use tons of high power sunscreen.  Of Course!!  Again…interesting idea….bad execution.  Things in Purgatory are fine, until the can no longer keep up production at the blood plant.  They bring in a specialist (David), who of course knew the lead technician vampire( Shane).  And did we forget to mention that Shane had an affair with David’s wife and has been obsessed ever since?

Well, Shane can’t help himself.  He flies into her bedroom one night and attempts a reunion…while naked.  Let us all not forget the most awkward cod-piece we have ever seen. (it looked like a baby elephant’s trunk.)  Shudder. This whole failed meeting leads into the main weight of the movie.  The fact that some of the vampires miss the old ways.  The killing, the hunting, the real blood.  So an uprising is on the horizon and we have the big gun fight between the two vampire clans.  Gunfight you say?  Yes, a gunfight…I will explain later.  And a final quick draw scene between the two leaders.  The good vampire (if there is such a thing) wins.  And you find out that he is actually count Dracula.  Ya, they just couldn’t help themselves.

Now, you might be asking yourself, “Hey, I thought this was Bruce Campbell month.  Where’s Bruce?”  Well, Bruce wasn’t in too much of this movie.  But when he was…it was something special. Goofy, slapstick, and over the top.  Just the way I prefer my Campbell.  He came into the movie as a vampire hunter. Van Helsing… well his great grandson anyway.  Yes, they put Van Helsing and Dracula in the movie, played by Bruce Campbell and David Carradine.  Well, good ole’ Bruce runs around for most of the movie ranting about needing to kill the count to fulfill his destiny.  Until the girl that has a crush on him bites him so that they can be together forever.

Once again, the beauty of this movie, and what made it so wonderfully bad, is in the little details.  Background props, certain scenes, characters, ect.  Let’s have a quick rundown.

1. In the blood making plant, there is a sing that reads “Periodic Blood Flow Chart.”
2. When you see all of the vampires drinking the synthetic blood, they are all using forked straws so that one straw goes to each tooth.
3. Some of the vampires are dressed in what appears to be pilgrim clothes.  So basically Amish vampires.
4. The cod piece.  Seriously, you have no idea.
5. The gun fight between vampires that I said I would explain…they were using wooden bullets.  Yep, that’s right…wooden bullets to the heart.
6. My favorite character, a fat, black, Jamaican vampire with a front butt.
7. Bat vision, similar to the snake vision but with that one subtly difference of it being a bat.
8. Little kids find a coffin in a creepy secret passage and are super pumped to open it and look inside.
9. The main character David’s wonderful line in which he runs in to the room screaming “WOOD!  WOOD!  I NEED WOOD!!!!”
10. And the best part of the movie.  There were a lot of scenes where the vampires would be in bat form flying around, or perched on a tree.  Normal stuff for a vampire movie.  Except for the fact that they had a dialogue going every time.  2 minute scenes of bats just chattin’ it up…priceless.
11. And speaking of the bats…they were awful claymation bats.

Now we grade on a certain scale.  And this movie was great according to that scale.  Funny, goofy, campy, and bad.  But it was a good laugh at how bad and ridiculous it was.  We recommend.

Overall rating:

3 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Supernova Part 1

Person responsible: David & Ally

A made for TV movie starring Luke Perry and Peter Fonda.  Yep, big names.  It is the simple story about the sun going supernova and destroying life on earth.  And for some reason they spend the rest of the movie running around trying to stop it.  How exactly, not sure.  But as this is a 2 parter, we will go over part 1 and leave part 2 for next week.

Luke Perry is an astrophysicist….ya that’s right, an astrophysicist.  And some of his research coupled with a colleagues’ points to the sun’s bitter end.  A supernova, and a big one.  One big enough to destroy all life on earth.  Who’s gonna save the day, Luke Perry is!  How?  By getting pushed around by a government agency and running around whining about his wife and daughter.  That’s how!

The most painful part of this movie is the side stories.  Peter Fonda leaving civilization to get cozie on a beach, a scientist’s assistant and her doctor boyfriend, the news reporter’s failing career, and Luke Perry’s wife.  Oh Luke Perry’s wife.  Traumatized by a serial killer.  She was raped, or beaten, or made to watch while he raped someone, or made to watch him beat and kill someone.  We really aren’t quite sure which it is, only that she is the worst actor ever and she draws scary pictures without knowing it.

The first part of the movie ends with Luke Perry held captive in a military compound.  They apparently rounded up all of the smart science know-it-alls and tried to figure out how to stop the supernova.  Well, the scientist that didn’t die on the way there try to figure it out.

But wait, that’s not the only reason they have been brought there.  They have been chosen to repopulate the world.  Yes ladies and gentlemen, the government has giant underground civilization just for this scenario.  Oh my. And….. scene!  I can’t wait for next week.  Here are some golden nuggets from part 1:

1. People referring to NASA as NASER.
2. When the sun shoots out a “solar flare”, we get solar flare vision.
3. The sun is having expulsion cycles where hot shots of plasma come off of the surface.  Well, it looks more like solar diarrhea.
4. The horrible mouth acting of Luke Perry’s wife.  It is so bad.  USE YOUR WORDS!!!!  She has a mouth expression for every emotion.   And often uses them rapid fire to make a cluster of mixed signals.
5. Luke Perry has a great delivery of a line.  I won’t put the quote up on here, because it wouldn’t do it justice.  Just know that it is brilliant.

Now, this movie is really bad.  Entertaining, but still really bad.  I am excited about part two, but only because much of part 1 has been uncomfortable.  We’ll see how this turns out next week.  But judging by the characters…we are routing for the supernova.

Rating for Pt. 1:

3 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

How about some random quotes from us from the night?  Ally in regards to the actresses awkward facial acting:

“She had a solar flare, in her panties.”

Steve in regards to how Luke Perry got into acting:

“You’ll pay me to say things?!?!?”

David: “Pay no attention to the man behind the Luke Perry.”

Steve: “Who is the man behind the Luke Perry.  Someone should figure that out.”

David: “Unfortunately, the man behind the Luke Perry is in fact Luke Perry.”

So, this week was awesome, which means next week is going to hurt and make us want to give up.

Until next week…Thanks for listening chiiiiiiildren!!!!!!!!!!

Valley Girl Meets Bean Curd

So, bad sequel month is past. (Although I’m sure it will return….harder and faster…with a vengeance….from Hell…new and improved…with sharks)  Now, the not so painless transition into Bruce Campbell/Luke Perry month.  Yes, you know them; you love them, the stars of Evil Dead and Beverly Hills 90210.  How did these two unlikely partners end up coupling to terrorize our Sundays?  Fate, accident?  Who knows, but they are here to stay.

Now, we have discussed a ratings system for this blog, and we decided on a 1-5 scale.  1 being; avoid at all cost, and 5 being; bad, but in an entertaining way.  But instead of the traditional “star” or “thumbs up”, we have decided that in honor of Bruce Campbell, King of the B-Movies, it will be a scale of 1-5 “Bruce Campbell’s”.   There you have it, a new month, and a new ratings system.  Let’s dive in.  We submit for your approval….the utter yuck that is Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and the embarrassing My Name is Bruce.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer

We started with Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  An innocent little love story about a rich valley girl falling for a moronic burnout.  Oh ya, and she is “the chosen one.”  Chosen for what?  Chosen to fight the evil scourge of the world…vampires.  And what does she use to combat evil?  Wooden stakes, kung fu and her cheerleader gymnastics (and hundred’s of bad 90’s failed teenage catchphrases).  Dear Lord, so many bad lines.  “That’s so lush.”  “Get out of my facial.”  So glad that we didn’t use catchphrases as the drinking game.  We all would have been hospitalized.

This movie is just juvenile honestly.  It’s not well written, and it had a budget yet still managed to be poorly made.  Let’s review some of our favorites:

1. Most of the “seniors” at school looked to be about 30ish.  One guy was so hairy that you could barely see skin on his shoulders.
2. The prom had a dj that looked like Slash from G&R.
3. At the basketball game, the coach held up a dry erase board while rallying the team.  It had a math equation on it that we deciphered to read:  God’s eye + Male and Female symbols divided by the infinity symbol=we win.
4. Luke Perry is nearly homeless yet he still has two very well maintained motorcycles.
5. Luke Perry’s delicious line “Come on, I wanna do some damage.”
6. All of the vampires appear to be wearing makeup.
7. The main vampire, played by Rutger Hayer, is wearing a strange suit for most of the movie…we dubbed him “corporate vampire”.
8. One of the vampires said that “rubies will drip from your lips.’  Whatever that means.
9. When Buffy grows up…she wants to be a “buyer.”  O…k…
10. During flashbacks, the previous slayers all look just like Buffy.  Apparently that family tree is not branching.
11. Her cheerleading squad is the worst I have ever seen…anywhere…ever.
12. Her boyfriend takes a huge bite of Doritos and she takes a big bite of popcorn and then make out before chewing or swallowing….gross.

What utter crap.

My Name is Bruce

My Name is Bruce.  Yes Bruce.  Oh Bruce Campbell…what have you done?  You made a movie where you play yourself.  I don’t even know where to start.  The plot?  Ok.  An ancient spirit is unleashed and the townspeople call on (kidnap) Bruce to save them…because he stars in action movies.

It’s not even bad story telling.  It cannot even be classified as story telling.  It classifies as lazy.  Lazy movie making that, unfortunately Campbell fans will buy…which is a mistake.  Now, I love Bruce.  But this movie almost made me hate him.  Not due to the overly jackass attitude that his character has.  But because he made this movie, and it was that bad.

I honestly don’t want to spend too much time on this one because it is so bad.  Over the span of the movie, there are maybe 4 or 5 funny parts.  And the ending…oh my, the ending.  The spirit is protecting the graveyard, and bean curd.  Yes…he is the protector of bean curd.  So logically, they use bean curd to defeat him.  And it only gets worse from there.  Campbell fans beware, this is not the Bruce we know and love.  It’s more of the Bruce that a dog might pee on.

Week 1 is down.  And so are our spirits.  The initial excitement of a new month quickly vanished.  What a shame, I was so looking forward to this month.  No longer, something about a skinny gothed up kid spouting Bruce’s famous one liners ruins a movie.  Well, that and Luke Perry sitting in a dirty apartment sharpening random wooden object into stakes.

Two awful movies, Steve’s birthday, Red Stripe, wine, cake, stew and cherry pepsi.  Do these things make a successful Sunday?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Will next week be better?  Maybe, but we aren’t holding our breath.

Overall Ratings:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

2 out of 3 Bruce Campbells

My Name is Bruce:

 

 

 

1 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Quote of the week:

Donald Sutherland’s character follows Buffy into the lady’s locker room…

Buffy “Hey!  Get out!  You can’t be in here!  It’s a naked place!”

Last of the Bad Sequels

Here we are at the end of bad sequel month.  We had one movie planned, but were unsure as to what would partner it.  As I drove home from the store, it just popped into my head.  What is the worst sequel ever made?  Batman and Robin.  Yes, that’s right.  So, on the last night of bad sequel month, I submit for your approval, White Noise 2 and Batman and Robin.

White Noise 2

A sequel to the Michael Keaton thriller, this one starts Nathan Fillian of Castle and Serenity fame.  However, he is a married man and a little chubby faced in this movie, which threw me off.  But I digress.  The movie opens on Fillian’s anniversary with his wife.  They go grab some breakfast at a local diner with their son, and that’s when everything goes wrong.  A man walks in while Fillian’s wife has what appears to be a seizure.  The man pulls out a gun and shoots the wife and child, apologizes, and turns the gun on himself.  We then flash to three months into the future, at their funeral.  Wait, is that right?  The funeral was 3 months after they died?  Gross.

Fillian then spirals into depression and tries to kill himself.  (Bonus, he actually leaves his suicide note as his voicemail…HARSH!)He of course has a near death experience and can now see, hear and sense EVP (electronic voice phenomenon, for those of you who managed to escape seeing the first one).  Also he can now see auras around people that are going to die soon.  As Steve put it, a “Dead-o-Vision”.  So, now it’s Fillian to the rescue. He then spends about 20 minutes saving random people around town.  Which is apparently hilarious to the nurse he saves…she laughs after almost being killed.  Actually he then starts a bit of a relationship with that nurse.  So what if it’s only been 4 months since his wife and kids died?!

But then he starts to figure everything out. Well, sort of.  Apparently the man that killed his family also had a near death experience, and was also then gifted with “dead-o-vision”.  Fillian also found out that this man set out to save people too ….and then killed them.  Why?  Because of the “devil’s signature”, and the “third day”, and “what the devil did on the third day”, and “if you save a life, you are responsible”, and “Tira Maru”, And the Romans, Ya, confused?  So were we.  There was a 10 minute montage of Fillian going over the killer’s notes and working towards the answer.  What was that answer?  We still don’t quite know.  We do however know that for some reason, the people that are saved from death go nuts after 3 days and start killing people randomly.

So now…he has to stop these people he has saved…which is only three, no big deal.  Well, he misses the first two and they kill some folks.  Then we get to the nurse that he kind of likes.  He tries to explain and she freaks out.  5 minutes later at the same diner that his wife was shot at, Fillian finds the nurse.  She, of course, understands everything now and doesn’t want to live with it or with what she might soon do.  So…he pulls a gun on her.  And promptly get mowed down by the cops at the diner.  Now she is in an ambulance.  (It’s not important why)  And she starts into what we can only expect to be her crazed killing spree.  Or does she?  Fillian’s ghost with the win!  Yes ladies and gentlemen, Nathan Fillian’s ghost leaps from his body and into various electrical equipment and chases the ambulance.

What made this movie suck was that it really didn’t have to.  The acting wasn’t bad, and I was actually invested in the story.  Until the montage about Satan’s signature that made no sense, and until the ambulance chasing ghost at the end.  Just stupid.  Had great potential and threw it all away for a CGI ghost chase.  Shame on you!

Batman and Robin

Well, well, well.  In many opinions, maybe the worst sequelever made.  And they very well may be right.  There is nothing good about this movie…NOTHING.  No redeeming quality, no good acting, horrible script, completely unbelievable action sequences, awful drama, terrible continuity, and the list could go on.

Oh where to begin?  Robin is 26 years old.  Batman and Robin are “brothers” instead of the adopted father son thing.  The whole batgirl aspect;  Barbara being Alfred’s niece and not Jim Gordon’s daughter.  But I could type all day long about the horrible differences between the comic and the movie.  But I won’t…because it will make me sad.

Instead, I will discuss the things that bothered us about the movie in general.  Like the absolutely terribly wire work.  I understand it’s a superhero movie, but come on!  They would jump like freakin’ spiderman!  This isn’t crouching tiger hidden dragon, it’s batman.  And not only that, but it was quite obvious when the person’s jump dropped off and the wire took over.  Just amateur!  Or how about the air surfing that they did?   Ya, air surfing.   Or how about the fact that during the big final battle, they are all wearing silver and black…but when they get home afterwards, Robin is somehow in his red and black costume…and it is dirty.

Or what about the fact that Mr. Freeze’s wife is supposed to be cryogenically frozen.  Then when you see her…SHE IS FLOATING IN A BIG TANK OF WATER!!!!!!!!  Or maybe my favorite, Poison Ivy (dressed as a geeky scientist) comes up to Bruce Wayne and pleads with him to help save mother earth.  He refuses.  And then she walks away ranting about her evil plans to kill all of the people Gotham so that the plants can take over.  Sound right?  Sure.  Except for the fact that she walks past about 4 or 5 police officers while talking about massacring all of Gotham.  Maybe they were on a break.

Another favorite;  The credit card.  Batman pulls out a credit card with the bat symbol on it and says “never leave home without it”.  Ya, and the information on the card is priceless.  Name: Batman, Good Thru: Forever. Awesome, just awesome.  Oh ya, and it’s not a Mastercard…it’s a GothCard. (which brought about the joke that if the card is maxed out, does it cut itself up?)

The most disturbing thing about the movie had to be the costumes. Not the costumes in general, but the anatomically correct Batman, Robin, and Batgirl suits… with nipples. Yes, kids, nipples. Necessary? Absolutely not. Creepy? Yes. I mean, I know its like Mr. Freeze is here, and it must be cold, but really?!

And the drinking game of the evening?  Drink every time Mr. Freeze says a one liner that involves cold, freeze, chill, ect.  And here they are, so many that it boggles the mind.

1. The Iceman cometh
2. Cold pleas of mercy
3. There’s only one constant in life…everything freezes
4. You aren’t sending me to the cooler.
5. Your icy tomb
6. Freeze well
7. What killed the dinosaurs?  The ice age!
8. The icy cold of space
9. Stay cool
10. Can you be cold?
11. My passion thaws
12. Cold shoulder
13. Everyone chill!  Chill  Chill!
14. Doesn’t work on the cold hearted
15. Cool Party
16. Cold Town
17. Break the Ice
18. Chilling sound of doom
19. Winterize your pipes
20. chilled to perfection
21. Bones turn to ice
22. Blood will freeze
23. Blanket it in endless winter
24. Turn Gotham into an icy graveyard
25. Batman’s heart will be frozen in my hand
26. Revenge is a dish best served cold
27. Tonight, hell freezes over
28. Let’s kick some ice!
29. Tonight’s forecast-a freeze is coming!
30. Hey Freeze!  The heat is on!
31. Winter has come at last.

There is one more, however I will leave it as my quote.

So, as far as entertainment, not a good night.  But as far as an ending to bad sequel month…I don’t think we could have done better.  Coming at you next month:  Bruce Campbell/Luke Perry month!  It’s gonna get real ugly.  Until then, Have a safe Halloween!

I’ll leave you with this, my favorite quote of the night;

“Freeze in hell Batman!!”

No you freeze in hell movie…

Return of the Bad Sequel

So, here we are…week 3 of bad sequel month.  And this week, we went all out. And by all out, I mean we watched something awful.  We went with Escape from LA and Jurassic Park 3.  And they were bad…real bad.

Escape From LA

We started with escape from LA.  Kurt Russell reprises his iconic role of Snake Pliskin from Escape from New York.  Except now he’s older…and apparently with age comes awkward plot lines.  The plot you say?  Yes, the plot has a very basic premise.  Los Angeles had a major earthquake that actually separated the city from the rest of the US.  This is in the future…of course.  And what does a futuristic government do with a separated LA?  Turn it into a floating prison full of all of the people the new president deemed unfit to live in the new United States.  It’s the obvious choice.

Well, the president’s daughter steals some high tech weapon (it really doesn’t matter what it is or what it does…trust me) and she escapes to LA and gives the weapon to her revolutionary boyfriend that she met on the movie’s equivalent to matchmaker.com.  Well, of course he threatened to shut down the whole United States.  Well, there is only one man that can stop him…a man that was actually in processing to be sent to the island for crimes he committed.

Now of course he wins, and saves the day, and sticks it to the man at the end. But in between the beginning and the end is where the magic happens.  Some of my favorite parts are as follows:

1.      Constitution amended and President appointed to life term.

2.      LA referred to as the island of the damned.

3.      When you are banished to the island, you have the opportunity to repent and elect to get the electric chair before being sent to the island.

4.      He has a “mouth dart”.  Ya, it is what it sounds like….a dart that you keep in you mouth and shoot at people.

5.      In Escape from New York, Snake had to wrestle a very large man for his life.  If he lost, he died.  This movie found the tough as nails, one eyed ex soldier in a much more precarious situation.  Basketball.  Yes.  I won’t bore you with the details….but he had to play basketball for his life.

6.      His little arm band.  It had the countdown to his death on it…although I’m not sure how he kept track of his time left because… well, it was out of order!  At one point it would read 7 hours left, then it would say 7 and a half hours about ten minutes later.  Also sometimes the time would pass so slowly, other times an hour went by in about 2 minutes.

Bottom line, bad movie, bad sequel.  A quote you say?  Why not?

Military official after Snake pushed “the button”. “He did it. Snake Pliskin just shut down the planet.”

Now on to bigger and worse things.

Jurassic Park 3

Jurassic Park 3.  Oh my dear Lord in heaven.  What a terrible, terrible movie.  I don’t even know where to start.  The movie has Dr. Grant (from the 1^st Jurassic Park) as a tour guide (or so he thinks) for a rich couple.  They are searching for their son that was lost on the island from Jurassic Park 2.  Dr. Grant does not know this.  He is also unaware of the fact that they are not rich or married and that they fully intend on landing on the island.  When he finds this all out…he is none too pleased.

Well, they land against his wishes and the truth comes out.  Well, during the confessions, we are interrupted by a dinosaur rampaging through the terrain and eating random characters.  But take a second look at that dinosaur….it doesn’t look like any dinosaur I have ever seen.  It looks like a mix between a T-rex and a crocodile.  Oh…it is …it’s a “Spinosaurus”.  Ya, apparently making actual dinosaurs wasn’t enough for the JP scientists, they had to start making stuff up and stirring it together in an ostrich egg to see what hatches.

Well, of course the plane gets trashed by the Bullcraposaurus and now they are stranded on the island.  They make for the coast.  Along the way, they run into a large supply of raptor eggs.  So, the younger paleontologist does what any intelligent scientist that studies raptors and knows their behavior would do….he steals two of their eggs.   Because I’m sure they won’t care.  No, actually they are pissed and try to kill everyone.

The rest of the movie is basically a jumble of attacks, bad dialogue, failed tension and uncomfortable lines.  Now…on to the drinking game…we really did not know exactly what to use due to there being so much wrong with this movie, we did however wish to drink until until it stopped hurting.  So, we went with take a drink when this movie hurts….us.

Here is a quick rundown of some of the more memorable ones:

1.      When we pushed play at the beginning.

2.      The “Spinosaurus” in all of his made up glory.

3.      William H. Macy calling the “Spinosaurus” a “try-ciclo-plot”.

4.      The lead female getting caught in the parachute that is holding her dead husband…and the freakout that ensued.

5.      The make up between that same lead female and her ex-husband 2 minutes after she found her husband dead in the parachute.

6.      EVERYBODY YELLING!!!!  Despite Alan’s pleading for them to stop.  It’s actually a bit entertaining.  They take turns yelling for their son…and then take turns yelling at each other to not yell because it can attract the makebelieve-asaurus.

7.      The raptors set a trap for the people….ya…they did.

8.      The mad-up-asaurus ate one of the pilots earlier in the movie.  He had the satellite phone on him….so you hear it ringing…from inside it’s stomach.  So if you hear the phone, you need to run.  Until it passes…and then you have a lovely scene in the rain where the whole cast is searching through giant piles of steaming dinosaur crap.  Delightful.

9.      I was excited to see pterodactyls in the movie for once.  However I was not as excited to see Dr. Grant kick one in the face out of defense.  I mean seriously…who does that?

10.  The constant looks that the dinosaurs would give.  I can’t even describe them.  It’s like they were scheming against the humans….DINOSAURS DON’T SCHEME!!!

11.  The raptor call…oh dear GOD.  Grant uses a recreated raptor communicating tube and speaks to them….what?!

12.   Grant calls his ex girlfriend and she calls the Navy AND the Marines to come help them.  Ya, but you can’t even understand what he says on the phone because the “we-made-it-up-asaurus” was attacking them.  And within a few hours, there were 3 battleships and the Marines and Navy rescuing them. What the heck is that?  Grant took a nap on the plane flight over, so it was obviously a longer flight.  Yet somehow after only a few hours, there is an entire fleet of military on the beach to rescue everyone.

13.  Oh…speaking of Alan napping on the plane.  He had a dream.  And in the dream, he awoke in the plane to find no one else in there, not even pilots.  He then turns his head to the side, and there is a raptor sitting in the seat across the aisle.  Which looks at him….and says his name…ya…about that.

14.  And my favorite:  William H. Macy is sitting with his ex wife and son and throws out this little story:   “Do you two remember that summer that I took you fishing about 2 years ago?  I was lowering the boat into the water, and the trailer started to sink.  We called a tow truck, and he got stuck trying to get the trailer out?  That tow truck guy wanted to punch my lights out.  (pause)  …I miss fishing.”  Ya, that was the story, they got up and walked away after that.  No moral, no reason whatsoever for the story…except for the fact that William H. Macy misses fishing.

You want a quote?  I’ll give you a quote!

Lead female: (looking at the laboratory hatchery)  This is how you make dinosaurs? Dr. Alan Grant:  No.  This is how you play God.

Last night challenged us more than any other bad movie night.  It will take a long time to get the taste of Jurassic Park 3 out of my mouth.  Well, that’s all for now.  One more weekend left for bad sequel month, and I can’t wait to get into a new month.  I believe it is Bruce Campbell/Luke Perry month….eeewwww.  Then it’s December, and on into bad Christmas movies.  It’s gonna be an interesting year.