Bateman and the Wolf vs. Bacon and the Worm
Ah, January. Snow on the ground, fresh winter air and the after glow of the holiday season. And of course, my birthday. Yes, it’s my turn to pick the month’s genre. That’s right kids, it’s 80’s/Kevin Bacon month. I have been plotting the movies and looking forward to this for awhile. So, with no further ado…we submit for your approval, Teen Wolf Too and Tremors.
Teen Wolf
Person Responsible: All of the above
Teen Wolf was my choice, but Ally and Steve vetoed it to watch the sequel. So, I only take partial responsibility for this one. Now, where as the 1st movie is about Michael J. Fox being a high school student coping with being a werewolf, the sequel is about Jason Bateman coping with being a werewolf in college. Big difference. Did I mention they are cousins? Family ties or not, Michael J. Fox wasn’t coming anywhere near this one. Not even for a cameo. Wise decision.
Bateman’s character is a geeky college freshman studying science. Crustacean reproduction to be exact. I didn’t know that was even a major. However, he is there on a boxing scholarship. No, he isn’t a boxer. Basically, the boxing coach used to be Michael J. Fox’s basketball coach. The dean needs the boxing championship to reclaim his honor. Whatever the hell that means. So, naturally, knowing the family history, the coach recruits Bateman expecting a ‘teen wolf’ to win all the matches.
Well, this science student isn’t having it. He refused to believe he has the werewolf gene. That is until he turns into a werewolf at a fancy college party. And then, of course, he is now an amazing boxer, the girls all love him, he gets bribes from the dean, and starts dance numbers in the quad. Wait, what? Yes, a big 80’s dance number takes place in the middle of the movie. Why? Well, to show how cool he is now. And nothing says cool quite like a werewolf dancing to ‘Do You Love Me’ while surrounded by girls in neon spandex and giant hair. But I digress.
So, after turning into a popular jerk for about 20 minutes, he finally comes to his senses. He regains his old friends, ditches his new ones, and stops being the wolf. Oh, ya, I forgot, he also wins the boxing championship as himself. With very little training to speak of, he lasts 3 rounds. Somehow, he holds onto consciousness after being pummeled by roughly two hundred punches. He lands one uppercut and maybe ten punches to knock his opponent out cold.
Now, as if this movie wasn’t bad enough already, let’s review the highlights:
1.At one point, the voices are not matching up with the mouths.
2. Bateman is carrying a milk carton, a fencing student pierces it and it begins to leak. They hold a finger over the hole to stop the leak, but when they move their finger….the leak miraculously stops.
3.One of the science students didn’t know how to turn on the microscope.
4.A boxer crushes a golf ball with his hand.
5.During the dance number, Bateman is singing along into a microphone. He tosses the microphone, but somehow he voice is still amplified.
6.Bateman’s room mate, Styles, has a phenomenal mullet.
7.Bateman’s uncle gives him ‘emergency’ money; it appears to be two dollars.
8.Bateman, rockin’ the jeans and a tie for most of the movie.
9.When Bateman first meets his science teacher (who also turns out to be a werewolf as well) they share an awkward silent smile and moment that made us all feel a bit icky.
10.Boxing as the main focus of this college? Seriously?
11.They only counted to three on one knockout in a match.
12.The ‘bad guy’ boxer wears aviator sunglasses throughout the entire movie.
13.How is it within regulation to have a werewolf boxing?
14.Why does not one pedestrian freak out when the uncle turns into a werewolf while driving?
15.The coach uses an exercise bike like a desk.
16.Bateman, as the wolf, runs and catches a Frisbee in his mouth.
17.There is a frog fight. Yes, throwing dead frogs at each other.
18.The coach….oh my. While walking down a hall talking to Bateman, he takes a long glance into a doorway. We then see a college male in a towel walk out. Later, the same college boxing coach is seen sitting and reading an issue of ‘Boys Life’ magazine.
19.“Homosapean Femenenist”
20.“Shut up and dance.”
21.“Frog Fight!”
22.“I just had a beard all over my body, fingernails the sixe of French fries, fangs from here to Texas, and she called me a dog.”
23.“You just hit me with a dead frog.”
So, ya, I will not be letting my movie choices for the month be changed again. I own this movie because it was in a two pack with Teen Wolf. (not that it’s any less embarrassing to own the first one) I had never watched the sequel until now, and no matter how much you may try, some things just cannot be unseen. This was a hard movie for our group. All of us are huge Arrested Development fans, and this did not sit well with us. It’s so hard to even look and Jason Bateman the same way any more. Things are not okay anymore. This movie changed perceptions….and not for the better.
Overall Rating:
1 out of 5 Bruce Campbells
Tremors
Person Resonsible: David
As far as I am concerned, even the snottiest of movie critics has what I call the “guilty pleasure 5.” No matter how refined your tastes are in the ways of cinema, you have 5 movies that are an embarrassment to your palette, however, you cannot watch them enough. No matter what you do, you cannot hate these movies. They are terrible. Bad acting, bad story, effects, music, characters, props, whatever. Most everything in the movie is bad, and you honestly have no reason to like them. But you do. And if you are lucky, no one ever finds out about your list. However, I am outing a few of them on my list. My list is riddled with Bacon. Footloose and Tremors both being on the list. Now, these movies are amazing, and terrible, and we are going to watch both of them before the month is over? How can I be so sure? I can be so sure because I own them both. Not only do I own them, but I own the special edition Footloose and all 4 of the Tremors movies, in what is known as the attack pack. Yes, I know, I shouldn’t have let that one out of the bag, but, I can’t have a Kevin Bacon month without telling the truth.
So, anyways, who hasn’t seen this movie? It’s a must see. I really am at a loss for words for what to say about it. I guess I should summarize the plot. Here it goes. You have a sleepy little town called perfection. And in it you have a handful of people living there. Among those people are two handymen (one played by Kevin Bacon). They decide to finally leave the tiny town for greener pastures. Or not. They cannot escape the town because they are turning up bodies everywhere all of the sudden. A man is dead at the top of an electrical tower. Why would he climb up there and die? Another man is found buried all the way up to his face in the dirt. Yet another scene has an entire station wagon buried in the ground with it’s owners dead. What could be doing this? We soon find out. Suckoids…or snakeoids….nope, Graboids. Yes, the townsfolk decided on Graboids. Basically, giant worms with beaks that have man-eating tentacles coming out of their mouths. These creatures move through the ground like a fish moves through the water, and then spring out to attack.
So, the rest of the movie is spent on rooftops avoiding these creatures, until they can escape. And by escape, I of course mean all pile into a tractor and ‘zooming’ away up the mountains. Apparently, the Graboids can not move through rock. So, our survivors pole vault from rock to rock, they distract by yelling and stomping, at one point, they actually use home made bombs and go ‘fishing’ for them….successfully.
The movie ends with Kevin Bacon making a run for it and tricking the last living Graboid. Tricked the Graboid? Why yes, tricked the Graboid. Basically, Bacon hauled right towards a cliff, and jumped to the side at the last second, causing the Graboid to careen out of the cliff wall, falling to it’s death. It’s very, very messy death.
This movie has quite a few gems involved as well; it’s not all fun and Graboids. There is a sign on the supply store that reads “Coldest beer in town!” Ya, how incredibly difficult is it to have the coldest beer in a town with 20 people and one store? When they are trying to go for help, they use the store owner’s horsed due to the road being out. When they are attacked, the horses go crazy, and you can actually see the strings that are holding them on the ground while they thrash around. Also, before they leave, the store owner offers this tidbit: “Hey earl, here’s some Swiss cheese and bullets.” What? Why the cheese? And when the store owner is sucked into the ground during an attack, he has what could only be described as ‘jazz hands’ all the way down.
Or how about the crazy survivalist. He has a military style bunker in the middle of nowhere with enough artillery to take over a small country. Honestly, where did he get the money for that? The gun collection would rack up and easy $500,000.00. Do crazy people normally win the jack pot lottery? He has an elephant gun for pete’s sake. For some reason though, it does not seem to give much of a kick to him when fired. Not quite sure why. Oh, and when asked what kind of fuse he is using for the bombs…”It’s a cannon fuse. For my cannon.”
Now, maybe my favorite part of the movie is the wedgies. Bacon starts the movie digging in and fishing one out. Later, when pulling a fellow survivor to safety, he has her underwear half way up her back. What a strange aspect to include in the movie. Almost as strange as the bright purple overalls worn by another survivor. Would you like some memorable quotes? Because I would love to give them to you.
- “Can you fly sucker?!” (Which is funny because in later sequels…they can.)
- “I want a girl with world class breasts!” (Look, if you are being sexist, why use the politically correct terminology?)
- ‘I’m always getting’ the ass-end!” (Are you Kevin Bacon…are you?)
Let’s talk Graboids. Like, how can they be so strong and deadly, but, a punch by Kevin Bacon hurts it. What? Kevin Bacon is a small man. How is this possible? Or how about their explanations for where these creatures came from. 1. Mutated snakes that come into contact with radiation, 2.beings from outer space, 3. and built by the U.S. government to fight the Russians. Brilliant. Maybe the most frustrating part of them has little to do with the Graboids themselves, and more to do with the survivors. There is a female seismologist in the movie, and for some reason; the others keep confusing her profession. They are constantly asking zoological questions, as if her earthquake research can offer any explanation. I honestly think that the film makers started to get confused, because half way through the movie, she started answering these questions. Oh, I almost forgot….Graboid vision…ya, they went there.
So, This is surely on my guilty pleasure list, as I am almost certain it is on many other’s list as well. However, it is definitely in the bad movie box as well. I won’t go as far to say that it is a good movie, but it is great in the ways it is terrible. So, go grab a bowl of popcorn and a drink, sit back and enjoy.
Overall Rating:
Now some quotes from our mouths:
1. Steve “Ah, nerd love at 1st sight.”
2. Steve “You can taste fatty’s resentment!”
David “It tastes like butter.”
3. Ally “Anyone else want to vomit due to the amount of team chumminess?”
4. Steve “I should call my pecker ‘circumstance’.”
5. David “What the sheep?!”
6. Steve “Slip her the bacon.”
Excellent week. I know we hated Teen Wolf Too, but Tremors brought the average right up. It’s a decent start to what I expect to be a great month. But, don’t get too excited, there is plenty of Bacon still to come. And the Coreys haven’t even made an appearance yet. You know that they will be around! Until next week.
Thanks for listening chiiiiiildren!
