Gremlins All the Way

Finally, Christmas month is over!  Honestly, this has been the worst month so far.  Christmas movies are just a bad idea all around.  At this point, I really have no idea why they get made.  Try to think of as many good Christmas movies, if you can.  Coming up short?  That’s because there are very very few that exist.  That doesn’t stop Hollywood from cranking out a few holiday disasters every year.  Why?  We don’t know.  All we know is that it’s a Christmas miracle that it’s finally over.  We submit for your approval, Gremlins and Jingle All the Way.

Gremlins

Person Responsible: All of the above

Ok, stop before you start.  We know that Gremlins is awesome.  But, it is pretty bad as well.  We needed a replacement due to there not being a rentable copy of Home Alone anywhere.  So we went with Gremlins.  It is a classic, but it is quite goody and cheesy as well.  So, we enjoyed ourselves…but that doesn’t mean we yelled at the screen any less.

This is a heartwarming movie about a father’s Christmas present to his son.  Well, he is an inventor, so he is peddling his wares in the slums of Chinatown.  He finds a curious little animal and basically steals it from an old Chinese man.  The son loves the furry little furby look-a-like, and names him Gizmo.  This gift comes with a few rules though.  1.  Keep him out of the sunlight, or any bright light.  2.  Don’t get him wet.  3.  Don’t feed him after midnight.

Sounds easy enough right?  It should be easy enough, seeing as the son is out of high school.  But alas, he gets Gizmo wet, and it causes him to multiply.  So, one rule…failed.  Well, some of the new Gizmo’s are cunning and actually trick him into feeding them after midnight.  What is the result of this late night snack?  They become demons.  Yep, demons that now are terrorizing the townsfolk.  Wreaking havoc all over town.  Killing, drinking, beating, smoking and looting.

The son tries to fight back and actually manages to take out all of them but the leader.   But, then, in a fit of sheer manliness, he receives a severe beat down at the hands of the lone foot and a half tall Gremlin.  What results is an awkward chase and fight scene in a dept store.  The gremlin attacks him with just about everything you can imagine, this includes a chainsaw and a crossbow bolt to the shoulder.  He is getting completely owned by the Gremlin, until Gizmo steps in.  Or drives in for that matter.  That’s right, Gizmo drives in to save the day in Barbie’s pink corvette and saves the day.

The movie isn’t that bad.  However, there are plenty of moments that make it worthy of Sunday night.

1. In the downtown grungy area of Chinatown, there is a rickshaw that appears to be carrying 3 photo snapping nuns.
2. The Chinese man’s store consists of shrunken heads animals that aren’t for sale, and it is basically located in a basement.  How does he stay in business!?
3. The main character has an amazing white boy 80’s jew-fro.
4. The main character ‘parks’ his car in the middle of the yard.  It makes no sense.
5. The main character also seems about 20ish, with a close friend that sits around 10ish.  How is that normal?  They hang out in his room!  It’s not right!
6. Or how about the old lady in town that seems only content to take the homes from down on their luck families at Christmas time.
7. The neighbor hates things foreign.  Cars, people, TV’s, anything that is not made in the good ole’ USA is not ok with him.
8. Also, the same neighbor tries to drive home drunk…in his tractor.
9. Speaking of drinking, the cops are sitting in the station…drinkin it up, and then they go on patrol.

10.  And if we are talking about cops, we need to mention when their car flips.  It ramps over the back of another car.  When it flips over, you can see the stunt equipment on the bottom of the car for about 15 seconds.  They don’t even try to hide it.

11.  Gremlins, oh how they are killed.  Like in a blender, or a microwave, or a fountain.

12.  After the fuzzy pets go into cocoons to turn into gremlins, the family just goes about their business.  Why would you leave 5 oozing pods unattended in your house?!

13.  Flashing gremlins

14.  Gremlins getting drunk at the bar.

15.  How about them walking in the snow?  If water makes them multiply…then shouldn’t there be an army anytime they walk anywhere?

16.  Judge Reinhold trying to get a girl back to his apt. “Come on.  We’re talking cable!”

Wow.  This movie is a classic…but after putting it all down on paper, it all does sound a bit silly.  But, I guess that’s why it’s a classic.  Bonus points for an awesome Judge Reinhold and Corey Feldman cameos.  In the words of one of the characters:  “While everyone else is opening their gifts, they are opening up their wrists.’

Priceless Christmas sentiment.

Overall Rating:

3 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Jingle All the Way

Person Responsible: David

This is the worst Christmas movie ever.  Ever.  EVER.  This 90 minute journey into pain and suffering stars Arnold and Sinbad.  This movie is all encompassing.  It has fighting over toys, out of control consumerism, bad parenting, man-whoring, abusive santas and of course….a bad father needing to regain the love of his family.

The movie starts of with our hero, Arnold, missing his son’s karate match because he is working late.  Of course this movie has a bad father!  It’s Christmas month!  Honestly, I’m starting to wonder if it is genetically impossible for any male to be a good father around the holidays.  So, anyways, the son hates him for missing the match and the wife is ticked that he broke a promise to their son.  Sound familiar?  It should, in December, this is home.  So, how does Arnold turn it around and win back the affection and respect of his family?  Turn into a snowman?  Santa?  Nope, but by the end of the movie, he is dressed as a super hero and flying around on a jet pack.  But, let’s rewind a bit.

So, the entire movie is about a toy.  Turboman, to be exact.  The most popular Christmas toy ever.  How popular you may ask? Let me tell you how popular.  Turboman has: His own cereal, a TV show, a movie, wrapping paper, a line clothes that includes pajamas, toys, and in the parade, he has his own float complete with Turboman marching band.

Anyways, Arnold’s boy only wants a Turboman action figure for Christmas.  So, being a dad and it being Christmas time, of course Arnold forgot to get one.  The rest of the movie is spent watching him go all over the city looking for one.  Every place he goes has some ridiculous situation after another.  He is either fighting mobs, running across town to a radio station, or chasing a kid with a superball.  And let’s not forget his arch-nemesis, a mailman played by Sinbad.  They are both looking for a Turboman, and the actually get into physical fights along the way.

Speaking of fighting, let’s talk about the rampant and violent consumerism in this movie.  What an awful representation of the holidays.  Men choking old ladies, people fighting over toys, punching, kicking, hitting, tripping, sabotage, greed beyond belief, adulterous neighbors, thieving neighbors, lying disc jockeys, people being trampled, slapped, poked, gouged, ect ect ect.  This makes Christmas awful. This is a family movie.  What family wants their child’s view of Christmas to be like this?  I wouldn’t.

That’s not even taking into effect the santas.  Jim Belushi is a mall santa that takes Arnold back to his ‘workshop’ for a Turboman.  Well, santas ‘workshop’ is actually a warehouse on the docks, and his helpers, are thieves.  Yes, despite the song that they serenade Arnold with, we know the santas to be crooks.  Stealing toys and selling them to desperate parents at 5 times the retail cost.  Exactly what I want a small child’s vision of Santa Clause to be.  And then to top it off, they give him a broken toy.  And then they beat him up when he confronts them about it.  Yes, there is a giant santa vs. Arnold fight.  That is until the cops bust into break up the operation.  Arnold grabs a toy badge and acts mad and claims to be an undercover….and walks away.  A toy badge fools the other officers…seriously.

But, perhaps the most disgusting Christmas moment, took place in the radio station.  Arnold and Sinbad rush to a radio station to answer a question to win a Turboman.  Here is what transpires.  Arnold arrives and answers the question and is denied the Turboman.  At that point, Sinbad bursts in and demands the doll.  The DJ then phones the police, which prompts Sinbad to take drastic measures.  He grabs a package out of his mail bag (that he is for some reason carrying throughout the entire movie) and rant about it being a bomb and that he will blow them all up if he doesn’t get the Turboman.  Well, the DJ hands him a certificate for a Turboman.  Apparently that is all they had, no doll, just a certificate for one when they are back in stock, and apparently the bomb threat was a bluff.  Well, the police arrive and start to take them away, and then Sinbad tries the whole fake bomb package again.  Well, the police freak and Arnold and Sinbad escape.  Then there is a large explosion from the building.  Apparently the second package really was a bomb.  There is then a shot of the officers, they all have ash and soot on their face.  Like a cartoon.  Don’t worry kids, bombs blow up just like in cartoons, you are fine afterwards, even if you are holding it.

So, neither of them get the doll, and somehow, Arnold ends up dressed as Turboman in the parade, and Sinbad ends up dressed as the supervillan.  I know it doesn’t make sense.  Apparently is Arnold is on screen, it doesn’t have to.  Well, there is now a superhero battle going on between them for the last Turboman in the city.  Well boy oh boy does it get out of hand.  Sinbad ends up chasing Arnold’s kid onto a building overhang, leaving him dangling over 10 stories of air.  That seems rational…risk a kid’s life so your own son can have a certain action figure.

How about some quotes:

1. “But Dad, purple is very important to me.”
2. “It’s Turbo time!”
3. “You can’t bench press your way out of this one.”
4. “Maybe your parents should get a divorce.  It did wonders for my Dad.”

And now to my favorite parts of the movie.  At one point, Arnold punches a reindeer.  In the face.  He punches a reindeer in the face.  And then shares a beer with it later.  Turboman has a sidekick.  Booster.  Booster is a bright pink saber toothed tiger.  We think.  Everyone hates Booster.  No one wants to buy his toy, and in one scene a gang of kids attack him screaming about how much they hate him.    And he is played by Booger from revenge of the Nerds.  Nice.  The only good thing about this movie is Phil Hartman.  We miss you Phil.  Otherwise, this movie is all that is evil in the world.  Avoid it at all costs.

Overall Rating:

0 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Now for our quotes of the night:

1. Steve “Yes.  I will have the spirit of Christmas in my butt all year long.”
2. David “How do I get out?  Steve what do I do?!”

Steve “I don’t’ know how to escape the fake toy store!”

1. David “Eggnog to the face!”
2. Ally   “I wish the bomb ‘was’ real and it killed everyone in this movie.”
3. Steve “I wanna know what ‘dis’ is so that I may get the hang of it.”
4. Ally    “Check out banner Turboman!”

So, Christmas month is finally over, and it could not have come a moment too soon.  These have been some of the worst movies to sit through that we have watched.  I cannot wait for January movies.  It’s my birthday month, so I get to pick.  Kevin Bacon/80’s month here we come!!! This is going to be epic.  Super pumped.  Tune in next week for Teen Wolf Too and Tremors!

Thanks for listening chiiiiiildren!!!

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