Supernightmare

Week three was not ideal.  It marks the halfway point of 80s/Bacon month, and it has also marked the low point in the month.  We switched it up a bit this week, and gave Mr. Bacon a rest.  We doubled up on the 80’s with plans of a double serving of Bacon next week.  I’ll just say, it better be the best Bacon ever to make up for the double 80’s crap that we endured this week.  We submit for your approval, ‘Supergirl’, and ‘Dream a Little Dream.’

Supergirl

Person responsible: David and David alone

I barely want to write about this one.  It seems like a lot of effort for maybe the worst movie we have ever watched.  This wasn’t so much a movie as it was just embarrassing for everyone involved.  The characters were weak, the dialogue was laughable, and the plot was down right idiotic.  And it was long!!!  Just a few minutes shy of two hours!  Why!?  If you are going to make a terrible movie, at least have the common decency to not go over an hour and a half.  Consider it a mercy flush.

What’s so wrong with this movie?  Let’s dive in.  The story begins in a small enclosed city full of Kryptonians, including our main character, Kara.  They spend the majority of their days with scientific pursuits which mostly consist of school, and making things sparkle and glow with phallic shaped magic wands.  Enter Peter O’Toole, and his wand.  He has “borrowed” the city’s main power source to do some experiments, and basically hands it to Kara to play with.  Harmless, right?  Hardly.  Maybe this move but O’Toole would have been harmless if Kara didn’t seemingly have the mental capacity of a two year old (she’s 16).    Seriously, for the first thirty minutes or so, we thought Kara was mentally handicapped.  She sat on the ground drawing a dragonfly while the adults were talking, amongst other childish actions that should be behind her age.

And, then the unthinkable happens.  Our little (still 16) Kara, while playing with the power source, accidentally launches it at the wall of the city.  Yep, it goes right through the city’s saran wrap like wall and right out into outer space.  O’Toole freaks out and vows to take a transport and retrieve the power source, for without it, all in the city will die.  But….bumbling little Kara jumps into the transport instead, placing her civilization’s fate on her short bus riding shoulders.  What follows, is a journey through the stars that is reminiscent of a Pink Floyd laser show.  Not a moment to soon, the power source crash lands on Earth, followed shortly by Kara.  She lands in the lake.  The power source splashes down in the middle of a picnic.  Why is this relevant?  Well, because the woman having the picnic is a witch, and the primary villain.

Again, you may ask….relevance?  Well, she finds the power source, and through some amazing deduction, discovers it’s alien technological powers.  She discovers this in about fifteen seconds.  Must be her witch powers of perception.  So, she uses the power source for witchery.  Not quite sure why the Kryptonians added witchery to the power sources specs.  But then again, I’m not quite sure why the entire city’s power source looks like a painted golf ball either.  Anyways, Selena (the witch) now uses the power golf ball for selfish purposes.  Namely, world domination through magic.  How does she plan on doing this?  Making the whole world fall in love with her, one person at a time…..literally.

And that’s where Kara comes in.  When she landed on Earth, she took on the identity of a prep school student.  She did this by instantly transforming her Supergirl suit into a prep school uniform.  Also by morphing her blonde hair into brown, something she does repeatedly throughout the movie.  Also, to get into the school, she speed types a forged letter of recommendation from her cousin….Clark Kent.  Ya, they went there.  Now, at this school, she gets a roommate….who also happens to be Lois Lane’s cousin.  What are the odds?  No, seriously, what would the odds of that be.

The witch begins her plans and drugs a landscaper to fall in love with her.  After he wakes up, he will fall in love with the first woman he sees.  Perfect plan, except he escapes.  So, she magics a bulldozer to capture and return him.  Yes, that’s right, a bulldozer.  Kara just happens to be eating with friends and sees what’s happening and springs into action.  Only…when he wakes up after she saves him, the spell inadvertently is now making him fall for her, not Selena.  Whoops.  Selena is pissed because the landscaper only has eyes for her.  And for some reason, whenever he speaks, he can now only talk in romantic prose.  Selena sends some kind of a magic beast to kill Kara/Supergirl.  I say some kind of beast, for a reason.  In one of the cheapest movie moments ever, Supergirl fights and invisible monster.  Come on!!

At this point, Selena is all sorts of powerful and kidnaps a lot of Kara’s friends as bait.  This includes Lois Lane’s cousin and Jimmy Olson.  Falling for the trap, Kara is trapped and banished to the shadow zone, a barren wasteland for outcasts and criminals.  And guess who she runs into?  Peter O’Toole!  Really?  Well, they end up escaping, however Peter O’Toole is killed in the process…finally.  Supergirl returns to Selena’s fortress for a final showdown.  And she is pitted up against what can only be described as a giant pissed off deer.  She wins, we aren’t quite sure how, but she does.  She regains the golf ball and returns home to save the city.  Yay!

Now, if that wasn’t enough to prove our distaste, have some highlights:

1. Supergirl lands in a lake and flies out bone dry.
2. Speaking of flying.  Black cables are always visible in any of her 45 flying scenes throughout the movie.
3. There is a tiger skinned blanket that is used in the picnic.  It is white at first, and then later, orange.
4. Supergirl automatically knows how to use her powers, even though she has never been to Earth before.
5. When Selena drugs the landscaper, we get ruffie vision.
6. During the final fight, Supergirl seems to shrink to a pocket sized hero while flying around Selena to create a tornado.
7. “A tree?  What’s a tree?”
8. “Put your fingers here, Kara.  And press hard.”
9. “It’s all this weather.  It affects the brain and makes people smarter.”
10. “Earrings make the guys go crazy.”
11. “A stormdragon?”
12. “”Destroy her, wherever she are!”
13. “You just flew over my head, true or false?”
14. “Forget I said anything.  Have a squirt instead.”
15. And our favorite part of all:  Selena has a set of three statues that are in almost every scene that she is in.  Why does this matter?  It matters because they appear to be topless women…that all seem to have a penis.  Just gross.

All in all, this movie was terrible.  I’m not sure that there was one good thing about it.  Well, except for the fact that Christopher Reeves wanted nothing to do with it.  Wise decision.  Or maybe the awkward relationship between Selena and her witch friend.  They acted like a couple of old ladies.  This is my least favorite movie that we have watched so far, and I think my team would second that.

Overall Rating:

1 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Dream a Little Dream

Person Responsible: David

Bring on the Coreys!!!  Honestly, you can’t have an 80’s month without them showing up at least once.  However, we are split as far as favorites.  Ally favors Feldman, and I prefer Haim, while Steve isn’t partial to either.  But love them or hate them, no 80’s month is complete without them dropping by for a visit.  A very very bad visit.

‘Dream a Little Dream’ isn’t a bad movie like the rest we have watched.  Production value isn’t that bad, and the acting isn’t to awful either.  What makes this one a turd, is the absolute lack of sense that the story and supporting dialogue make.  Basically, we have Feldman and Haim playing Bobby and Dinger.  They are two best friends and somewhat of the outcasts at school.  Well, Feldman is in love with a popular girl at school.  Of course her boyfriend is described by the dup as the crazy jerk.  Sound familiar?  It did, except that the crazy jerk is actually the Bobby and Dinger’s best friend.  They build him up as this bully and he actually defends them on multiple occasions.

So far, it’s playing out just like every other teen movie ever.  Enter the old couple.  An old man obsessed with dreams and his wife who is not impressed with him or his work.  Basically, he wants to enter into a constant dream state, so he can live forever.  Daily trances, equations, yoga looking exercising and lots of sleep.  This is his research.  I find it an old man’s excuse to sleep all day.  Anyways, his wife appears to be cheating on him, and is portrayed as not really loving him.  But the cheating is never addressed after the first instance, and she later seems to be madly in love with him.

So, on night, the old couple is out on the lawn doing their strange yoga dream stance thing.  At the same time, Feldman is running to find his love interest, who just happens to be biking home.  What results is Feldman and the girl colliding in the yard in front of the old couple.  What follows is the plot for the remaining portion of the movie.  They and keep up.

Basically, at the time of the bike vs. Feldman crash, the old couple had reached a state in meditation where dreams meet reality.  Because of this, something strange happens to them.  The old man’s mind is now trapped in Feldman’s head and the old woman’s mind is trapped in the girl’s head.  Don’t push too hard to explain that one, it leads nowhere.  So, now we have two old people in young bodies, trying to get out, and one very confused Dinger stuck in the middle.

Continuing on, the old man is very aware of the situation.  He goes as far as combing his new hair, changing Feldman’s wardrobe, and improving Feldman’s failing grades.  However, the old woman is unaware of her situation and apparently is laying dormant in the teen girl’s mind.  This makes it a bit creepy.  The old man knows that his wife is in there, so he hits on her.  And makes out with her…as a teen girl….odd.  Just makes him seem like an old pervert.

So, the movie goes on like this for awhile, with dream sequences sprinkled in.  These dreams are the most confusing part of the movie.  The old man is walking around the neighborhood while Feldman torments him.  So, Feldman is trapped in a dream world while the old man is trapped in his body….I think.  Feldman doesn’t want to go back to the real world, so he won’t tell the old man how to fix everything and get back to his body.  So, basically, every dream sequence is ‘I’m young and hip, you’re old, and I’m not gonna tell you hour to get back to reality.”  None of the dreams make any sense at all.  There is even a random sheep, for no apparent reason at all.

In the end, everyone is back in their normal bodies and happy.  Don’t ask us how it happened, we have no idea.  Feldman gets the girl and there is newfound respect between him and the old man.

So confused.  Let’s hit the highlights and get this over with.

1. There is a white girl freestyle rapping.
2. Dinger has a broken leg and quite often, the cane is on the wrong side.
3. Apparently, Feldman’s character knows kung fu.
4. Dinger gets tackled after tripping someone with his cane….best take down ever.
5. “The girl that looks good in leotards?”
6. “I was dreaming….apache women…Vanna White with a whip.”
7. “No one knows what dreams are.”
8. “Feel the energy of the Earth rise up between your legs.”
9. While looking at his new body in the mirror, the old man says “At least he has a good body.”
10. “Dude, you turning fag on me or what?”
11. “Wow, I always thought SAT meant Saturday afternoon test.”
12. There is a gospel according to Feldman scene.  He pleads with his classmates that violence isn’t the answer.
13. A mother has her boyfriend drug her daughter.
14. Let’s talk fashion.  There is a montage of ripping jeans and hair product while the Coreys get ready for school.  Feldman has a greasy long mullet.  Lets run down some of the outfits:  Mid drift shirt on a guy, tux jacket and shirt with bright red shorts, leotard that makes a girl’s butt crack extend all the way up her back, a blue suede jacket with tassels on a guy, and my favorite, suspenders with sweat pants.

So, again, this movie made no sense at all.  We honestly think it was made as an excuse to let Feldman dance like Michael Jackson.  Seriously, there are two dance numbers.  It would have been a total loss if it hadn’t been for Haim.  His overacting as Dinger saved this movie, at least for me.

Overall Rating:

2 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Now for some interesting quote from us:

David: “My gut reaction is Rhino-cock”

Steve: “God, I love salami. Tomorrow, I’m gonna buy some salami.”

Steve: “Ponies! Whew!!”

Steve: “It’s like the Golden Girls vs Supergirl.”

Ally: “Find your destiny is the mailslot?”

David: “It was back when Feldman was all into Michael Jackson… or when Michael Jackson was all in Feldman.”

So, not really a great week. Not the worst, but very, very far from the best. Bacon/80′s is now in the home stretch. And I know that I’m not the only one that’s excited about what’s in store.

Bacon or Duck?

Week two of 80’s /Bacon month is in the can.  We have had to bring in some substitution due to missing movies.  Seriously, ‘License to Drive’, ‘White Water Summer’ and ‘The Air Up There’ must not actually exist anymore.  For the life of me, I can’t find a copy of them anywhere.  Lucky for us, there is no shortage of Bacon or 80’s.  So, in short, it wasn’t the night that we had expected, but it will be one that we remember, and try very hard to forget.  We submit for your approval, Howard the Duck and Stir of Echoes.

Howard the Duck

Person Responsible: Ally & David

What a mistake.  A very bad mistake.  It’s a movie that all of us had watched before, but many years ago.  The fact that even as kids we thought this movie was terrible should have been a warning.  It wasn’t.  This is an 80’s movie about a walking, talking duck.  It is also a comic book movie.  It’s directed by George Lucas, who as we all know, found a hatred for movie goers as soon as he finished the original trilogies for Star Wars and Indiana Jones.

The story?  Well, how to put this.  There is a duck world.   Yes, a world where ducks are the dominant race.  They have normal lives and jobs like we do.  And karate, and drugs and porn.  Ya, our main character is sitting in his living room looking at a ‘Playduck’.  And on his wall are pictures of him in his Quack-fu outfit, and another picture has him standing in a field of pot.  That’s not the most disappointing thing on his wall though.  There is a mock ‘Indiana Jones’ poster with a duck instead of Indy.  The title?  ‘Breeders of the Lost Storck.’  George Lucas, you should be ashamed of yourself, for a great many things.

Anyway, back to the plot.  While Howard is relaxing in the living room, he is suddenly pulled through the walls and into outer space.    He flies through space, all the while, a way too serious narrator gives a way too serious voice over.  Howard finally lands…in Cleveland.  Yep, that’s the best that they could come up with.  He wanders around for a bit and ends up befriending a girl he meets in an alley.  By meets, I mean uses Quack-fu to save her from two would be rapists.  And by girl, I mean a rock singer played by Leah Thompson.  She takes him home and they become quick friends due to her being the only person he knows, and due to…..well, we really can’t explain why she befriends a talking duck.  Maybe the rescue, maybe because it’s the 80’s, who knows?

So, she takes Howard to see her scientist friend played by Tim Robbins.  He plays an astrophysicist, or according to his dialogue, an “astrolophysicist.”    Well, this scientist calls another scientist, who calls another scientist.  Eventually we find out that it is science’s fault that Howard was brought to Earth.  Apparently, there is a giant astrophysics lab in the outskirts of Cleveland.  They built a giant laser to use for inter-planetary  communication or something.  Well, this giant laser actually sucked Howard off of his planet and pulled him all the way to Earth.

Yep, that’s what happened.  Unfortunately for Earth, the laser also pulled down a galactic warlord bent on world domination.  So, ya, the rest of the movie is the duck, the rock star, and the “astrolophysicist” trying to stop the overlord from bringing his evil space buddies down to Earth.  They succeed in stopping him, but destroy the laser in the process.  This means that Howard now has no way of ever getting home.  What’s a stranded talking duck to do on an alien planet?  Become Leah Thompson’s manager and have a concert at the end of the movie.  Makes perfect sense.  As does the “Howard the Duck” theme song that they are singing at the concert.

Ready for some highlights?  I don’t think that you are.

1.There is a shot of a girl duck in a bathtub.  All I can say is….duck boobs, complete with nipples.

2.Leah Thompson calls some guys “sleezoids” and “mungholes.”

3. Fifteen minutes into the movie, we get a flashback to something that happened eight minutes into the movie.

4.Howard snores.  We just weren’t sure if ducks could do that.

5. Howard threatens that his bite can give you space rabies.  And then claims that it has been all over the news.

6. Howard is arrested and charged with being an illegal alien.

7.Howard gets a job at a hot tub parlor.  People are everywhere half naked and foolin’ around.  Gross.

8. There is a ‘Cajun sushi’ restaurant.

9. Howard calls a white guy a “cracker.’

10.  The overlord looks like a giant brown lobster.

11.  “In the beginning, there was Howard the Duck.”

12.  “No more mister nice duck.”

13.  ”I’ve been doing too much toot.”

14.  ”The planet is called Earth, I think.”

15.  ”It’s a bird, it’s a plane!  No, it’s a duck!”

16.  “I had a duck.  I could’ve been a contender!”

17.  “Book him, ducko.”

18.  “It’s a duck hunt!”

19.  “Hostility is like a psychic boomerang.”

20.  “I’m gonna Bar-B-Que your bill, bird!”

21.  “He’s my favorite duck.”

22.  “Bull Pucky.”

23.  “I know my rights!  Where’s my baseball cap?!”

24.  “Trust you inner bird-ness!”

25.  “No duck is an island.”

26.  “You little pond hopper.”

Now, this is a terrible idea for a movie, no doubt about it.  What blew our minds is that from the outside, it seems like a kid’s movie.  Talking duck, PG rating…not at all.  Nudity, sexual content, vulgarity, profanity, and most anything else you would ever not want your kid to see.  Also, I didn’t mention the awkward and hard to watch inter-species love scene that almost happened.   Just gross.

Howard:  “We can’t.  I’ve got a headache!”

Beverly (Thompson): “And I’ve got the aspirin.”

How did we, as a society, let this happen?

Overall Rating:

2out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Stir of Echoes

Person Responsible: David

Overall, not a terrible movie, however, not a good one either.  It’s a horror movie…kind of, we think.  It wasn’t really scary.  Honestly, I think that if you asked our opinions, we would tell you it was a comedy.  The parenting in this movie is absolutely brilliant.  Not to mention the top notch acting by Bacon.  No, seriously, he is fantastic.

So, there’s this guy, played by Kevin Bacon.  And he has a son that sees ghosts, and a wife that dresses inappropriately for her age and her stomach.  And this wife has a sister that is a witch and is a professional hypnotizer.  So Bacon also has some neighbors who have a party.  And at this party, Bacon taunts his wife’s sister about her witch-ness and the absurdity of hypnotism.  So, this sister-in-law hypnotizes Bacon.  This does not sit well with the Bacon at all.  In fact he goes a little crazy pants.

Actually, he goes a lot crazy.  He all of the sudden starts seeing a dead girl in his house.  Not so much haunting him, just kind of hanging out.  He starts freaking out, naturally.  Apparently, his witch-in-law “opened his mind.”  So now he sees things that he normally wouldn’t.  Like brake lights, and exit signs.  Ya, every time he sees either of them, all he hears is a loud buzzing sound.  No, they never really explain that one.  Also, he can see the future.  Like when all of the adults are going to the high school football game, he gets a vision.  A vision of the babysitter kidnapping their son while they are at the game.  Pretty intuitive for parents that left their sleeping son alone when they went to the party.  Oh, don’t worry, they left the baby monitor on and took it with them.  Seriously.

Anyway, we find out that the ghost is actually the babysitter’s missing sister.  So, through some more visions, Bacon is told to dig for the body.  And where else to start than his own back yard?  Now, I have seen a lot of badly written and badly acted scenes in my life, and this one is right up there.  It starts as an argument with his wife while he is digging up the back yard, and ends inside with him pouring them both a glass of orange juice.  He chugs both of them.  Ya, apparently, orange juice is medicine for crazy people.  The fridge is full of it, literally.  Nothing else in there.

Anyways, he finally finds the girls body in the basement.  He jackhammers the concrete floor, and then accidently stumbles upon her body in a badly bricked over wall.  Through one last vision, he sees her death.  His landlord and his best friend’s sons accidentally killed her while trying to get their rape on.  How did she get walled up in the basement?  The two dads helped the sons cover it all up so that they wouldn’t get arrested.  And then when Bacon and his wife discover the truth, the landlord tries to kill them both.  Well, in the end, the best friend stops the landlord from killing them and everything turns out fine.  Well, except for the fact that the kid still sees and hears ghosts.

Now on to the highlights.

1. There’s Bacon vision.
2. Everyone is constantly talking about what a great neighborhood it is to live in.  How everyone looks out for each other.  Ya, attempted rape, murder, kidnapping, fights, hiding bodies, attempted murder.  Sounds like paradise.
3. The little kid is at one point watching the original ‘Night of the Living Dead.’  It hurts that Night was involved at all in this movie.
4. Bacon almost has mutton chops.
5. “Why don’t you just lick them when they walk by?”
6. “If you don’t do her thing, she may never leave.”
7. “It’s just a body, it doesn’t prove anything!”

Now, there are a few other things that troubled us in this movie.  Like the hypnotism scene.  I don’t even really know what they were going for in this one.  He is in a theatre, it is all black and dark and there is no one else in there with him.  There are words on the screen, but they are fuzzy and he has to go closer to see them.  How do they have him go closer?  They have him float towards the screen in an armchair.  Kevin Bacon floating in a movie theater in an armchair might be the most ridiculous thing that I have ever seen.  Now, later on in the movie, the wife meets this black guy that apparently is going through the same thing that Bacon is going through.  She goes to meet him and he apparently fills her in on what is happening to her husband and what it will take to stop it.  There is a whole room of people that are apparently going through the same thing as Bacon.  After the initial scene, that part of the story is never mentioned again.

Now, to the parenting.  The mom takes the son for a nice leisurely stroll in a cemetery.  Also, Bacon turns off what appears to be a penis shaped lamp in the son’s room.  They constantly leave the kid alone, and they take the baby monitor with them instead of a babysitter.  They fight and cuss at each other all of the time and the little kid is always around to watch.  Not to mention the fact that Bacon includes the little guy in his crazy dig up the dead girl scheme.  And of course the two parents that try to help their sons cover up murder.

Also, it must be mentioned.  It was the night of the awkward sex scene.  There was a Bacon love scene.  He and his wife, grunting along.  However, he started having his crazy visions in the middle of it and had to stop.  And after stopping, he utters these words that I know every wife wants to hear after a failed romantic romp: “Wait, wait.  Stop it!  It’s too weird.”

What else can I say about this movie after recalling that scene?  Not much.

Overall Rating:

3 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Our quotes of the night:

Steve:  “Were those duck boobs?”

Ally:    “Yes, yes they were.”

Steve:    “We should buy a duck and see if it snores.”

Steve:    “I’ve never really thought of science and Cleveland as being joined together.”

David:  “Wow, that’s a big budget.  How did this happen?”

David:  “Burnt….raw fish?”

Steve:   “I want to meet a duck that’s an island.”

David:  “Would that be a crap lobster?”

Steve:   “Ye, that would be a crap lobster.”

David:  “Is she grabbin’ Kevin’s bacon?”

Ally:     “She’s achin for some bacon.”

Ally:    “A little junk in your portside?”

Steve:  “I wonder if Bacon likes bacon?”

So, week two…done.  Week three quickly approaching.  What does the rest of this month have in store for us?  I know.  Ally and Steve have an idea.  And none of us are very happy about it.  This weekend is ‘Footloose’ and ‘Dream a Little Dream’.  It’s not going to be very pretty.  Stick around and see what happens.

Thanks for listening chiiiiiildren!!!!!

Bateman and the Wolf vs. Bacon and the Worm

Ah, January.  Snow on the ground, fresh winter air and the after glow of the holiday season.  And of course, my birthday.  Yes, it’s my turn to pick the month’s genre.  That’s right kids, it’s 80’s/Kevin Bacon month.  I have been plotting the movies and looking forward to this for awhile.  So, with no further ado…we submit for your approval, Teen Wolf Too and Tremors.

Teen Wolf

Person Responsible: All of the above

Teen Wolf was my choice, but Ally and Steve vetoed it to watch the sequel.  So, I only take partial responsibility for this one.  Now, where as the 1^st movie is about Michael J. Fox being a high school student coping with being a werewolf, the sequel is about Jason Bateman coping with being a werewolf in college.  Big difference.  Did I mention they are cousins?  Family ties or not, Michael J. Fox wasn’t coming anywhere near this one.  Not even for a cameo.  Wise decision.

Bateman’s character is a geeky college freshman studying science.  Crustacean reproduction to be exact.  I didn’t know that was even a major.  However, he is there on a boxing scholarship.  No, he isn’t a boxer.  Basically, the boxing coach used to be Michael J. Fox’s basketball coach.  The dean needs the boxing championship to reclaim his honor.  Whatever the hell that means.  So, naturally,   knowing the family history, the coach recruits Bateman expecting a ‘teen wolf’ to win all the matches.

Well, this science student isn’t having it.  He refused to believe he has the werewolf gene.  That is until he turns into a werewolf at a fancy college party.  And then, of course, he is now an amazing boxer, the girls all love him, he gets bribes from the dean, and starts dance numbers in the quad.  Wait, what?  Yes, a big 80’s dance number takes place in the middle of the movie.  Why?  Well, to show how cool he is now.  And nothing says cool quite like a werewolf dancing to ‘Do You Love Me’ while surrounded by girls in neon spandex and giant hair.  But I digress.

So, after turning into a popular jerk for about 20 minutes, he finally comes to his senses.  He regains his old friends, ditches his new ones, and stops being the wolf.  Oh, ya, I forgot, he also wins the boxing championship as himself.  With very little training to speak of, he lasts 3 rounds.  Somehow, he holds onto consciousness after being pummeled by roughly two hundred punches.  He lands one uppercut and maybe ten punches to knock his opponent out cold.

Now, as if this movie wasn’t bad enough already, let’s review the highlights:

1.At one point, the voices are not matching up with the mouths.

2. Bateman is carrying a milk carton, a fencing student pierces it and it begins to leak.  They hold a finger over the hole to stop the leak, but when they move their finger….the leak miraculously stops.

3.One of the science students didn’t know how to turn on the microscope.

4.A boxer crushes a golf ball with his hand.

5.During the dance number, Bateman is singing along into a microphone.  He tosses the microphone, but somehow he voice is still amplified.

6.Bateman’s room mate, Styles, has a phenomenal mullet.

7.Bateman’s uncle gives him ‘emergency’ money; it appears to be two dollars.

8.Bateman, rockin’ the jeans and a tie for most of the movie.

9.When Bateman first meets his science teacher (who also turns out to be a werewolf as well) they share an awkward silent smile and moment that made us all feel a bit icky.

10.Boxing as the main focus of this college?  Seriously?

11.They only counted to three on one knockout in a match.

12.The ‘bad guy’ boxer wears aviator sunglasses throughout the entire movie.

13.How is it within regulation to have a werewolf boxing?

14.Why does not one pedestrian freak out when the uncle turns into a werewolf while driving?

15.The coach uses an exercise bike like a desk.

16.Bateman, as the wolf, runs and catches a Frisbee in his mouth.

17.There is a frog fight.  Yes, throwing dead frogs at each other.

18.The coach….oh my.  While walking down a hall talking to Bateman, he takes a long glance into a doorway.  We then see a college male in a towel walk out.  Later, the same college boxing coach is seen sitting and reading an issue of ‘Boys Life’ magazine.

19.“Homosapean Femenenist”

20.“Shut up and dance.”

21.“Frog Fight!”

22.“I just had a beard all over my body, fingernails the sixe of French fries, fangs from here to Texas, and she called me a dog.”

23.“You just hit me with a dead frog.”

So, ya, I will not be letting my movie choices for the month be changed again.  I own this movie because it was in a two pack with Teen Wolf. (not that it’s any less embarrassing to own the first one)  I had never watched the sequel until now, and no matter how much you may try, some things just cannot be unseen.  This was a hard movie for our group.  All of us are huge Arrested Development fans, and this did not sit well with us.  It’s so hard to even look and Jason Bateman the same way any more.  Things are not okay anymore.  This movie changed perceptions….and not for the better.

Overall Rating:

1 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Tremors

Person Resonsible: David

As far as I am concerned, even the snottiest of movie critics has what I call the “guilty pleasure 5.”  No matter how refined your tastes are in the ways of cinema, you have 5 movies that are an embarrassment to your palette, however, you cannot watch them enough.  No matter what you do, you cannot hate these movies.  They are terrible.  Bad acting, bad story, effects, music, characters, props, whatever.  Most everything in the movie is bad, and you honestly have no reason to like them.  But you do.  And if you are lucky, no one ever finds out about your list.  However, I am outing a few of them on my list.  My list is riddled with Bacon.  Footloose and Tremors both being on the list.  Now, these movies are amazing, and terrible, and we are going to watch both of them before the month is over?  How can I be so sure?  I can be so sure because I own them both.  Not only do I own them, but I own the special edition Footloose and all 4 of the Tremors movies, in what is known as the  attack pack.  Yes, I know, I shouldn’t have let that one out of the bag, but, I can’t have a Kevin Bacon month without telling the truth.

So, anyways, who hasn’t seen this movie?  It’s a must see.  I really am at a loss for words for what to say about it.  I guess I should summarize the plot.  Here it goes.  You have a sleepy little town called perfection.  And in it you have a handful of people living there.  Among those people are two handymen (one played by Kevin Bacon).  They decide to finally leave the tiny town for greener pastures.  Or not.  They cannot escape the town because they are turning up bodies everywhere all of the sudden.  A man is dead at the top of an electrical tower.  Why would he climb up there and die?  Another man is found buried all the way up to his face in the dirt.  Yet another scene has an entire station wagon buried in the ground with it’s owners dead.  What could be doing this?  We soon find out.  Suckoids…or snakeoids….nope, Graboids.  Yes, the townsfolk decided on Graboids.  Basically, giant worms with beaks that have man-eating tentacles coming out of their mouths.  These creatures move through the ground like a fish moves through the water, and then spring out to attack.

So, the rest of the movie is spent on rooftops avoiding these creatures, until they can escape.  And by escape, I of course mean all pile into a tractor and ‘zooming’ away up the mountains.  Apparently, the Graboids can not move through rock.  So, our survivors pole vault from rock to rock, they distract by yelling and stomping, at one point, they actually use home made bombs and go ‘fishing’ for them….successfully.

The movie ends with Kevin Bacon making a run for it and tricking the last living Graboid.  Tricked the Graboid?  Why yes, tricked the Graboid.  Basically, Bacon hauled right towards a cliff, and jumped to the side at the last second, causing the Graboid to careen out of the cliff wall, falling to it’s death.   It’s very, very messy death.

This movie has quite a few gems involved as well; it’s not all fun and Graboids.  There is a sign on the supply store that reads “Coldest beer in town!”   Ya, how incredibly difficult is it to have the coldest beer in a town with 20 people and one store?  When they are trying to go for help, they use the store owner’s horsed due to the road being out.  When they are attacked, the horses go crazy, and you can actually see the strings that are holding them on the ground while they thrash around.  Also, before they leave, the store owner offers this tidbit: “Hey earl, here’s some Swiss cheese and bullets.”  What?  Why the cheese?  And when the store owner is sucked into the ground during an attack, he has what could only  be described as ‘jazz hands’ all the way down.

Or how about the crazy survivalist.  He has a military style bunker in the middle of nowhere with enough artillery to take over a small country.  Honestly, where did he get the money for that?  The gun collection would rack up and easy $500,000.00.  Do crazy people normally win the jack pot lottery?  He has an elephant gun for pete’s sake.  For some reason though, it does not seem to give much of a kick to him when fired.  Not quite sure why.  Oh, and when asked what kind of fuse he is using for the bombs…”It’s a cannon fuse.  For my cannon.”

Now, maybe my favorite part of the movie is the wedgies.  Bacon starts the movie digging in and fishing one out.  Later, when pulling a fellow survivor to safety, he has her underwear half way up her back.  What a strange aspect to include in the movie.  Almost as strange as the bright purple overalls worn by another survivor.  Would you like some memorable quotes?  Because I would love to give them to you.

1. “Can you fly sucker?!” (Which is funny because in later sequels…they can.)
2. “I want a girl with world class breasts!”  (Look, if you are being sexist, why use the politically correct terminology?)
3. ‘I’m always getting’ the ass-end!”  (Are you Kevin Bacon…are you?)

Let’s talk Graboids.  Like, how can they be so strong and deadly, but, a punch by Kevin Bacon hurts it.  What?  Kevin Bacon is a small man.  How is this possible?  Or how about their explanations for where these creatures came from.  1. Mutated snakes that come into contact with radiation, 2.beings from outer space, 3. and built by the U.S. government to fight the Russians.  Brilliant.  Maybe the most frustrating part of them has little to do with the Graboids themselves, and more to do with the survivors.  There is a female seismologist in the movie, and for some reason; the others keep confusing her profession.  They are constantly asking zoological questions, as if her earthquake research can offer any explanation.  I honestly think that the film makers started to get confused, because half way through the movie, she started answering these questions.  Oh, I almost forgot….Graboid vision…ya, they went there.

So, This is surely on my guilty pleasure list, as I am almost certain it is on many other’s list as well.  However, it is definitely in the bad movie box as well.  I won’t go as far to say that it is a good movie, but it is great in the ways it is terrible.  So, go grab a bowl of popcorn and a drink, sit back and enjoy.

Overall Rating:

Now some quotes from our mouths:

1. Steve “Ah, nerd love at 1^st sight.”

2. Steve “You can taste fatty’s resentment!”

David “It tastes like butter.”

3. Ally   “Anyone else want to vomit due to the amount of team chumminess?”

4. Steve “I should call my pecker ‘circumstance’.”

5. David “What the sheep?!”

6. Steve “Slip her the bacon.”

Excellent week.  I know we hated Teen Wolf Too, but Tremors brought the average right up.  It’s a decent start to what I expect to be a great month.  But, don’t get too excited, there is plenty of Bacon still to come.  And the Coreys haven’t even made an appearance yet.  You know that they will be around!  Until next week.

Thanks for listening chiiiiiildren!

Gremlins All the Way

Finally, Christmas month is over!  Honestly, this has been the worst month so far.  Christmas movies are just a bad idea all around.  At this point, I really have no idea why they get made.  Try to think of as many good Christmas movies, if you can.  Coming up short?  That’s because there are very very few that exist.  That doesn’t stop Hollywood from cranking out a few holiday disasters every year.  Why?  We don’t know.  All we know is that it’s a Christmas miracle that it’s finally over.  We submit for your approval, Gremlins and Jingle All the Way.

Gremlins

Person Responsible: All of the above

Ok, stop before you start.  We know that Gremlins is awesome.  But, it is pretty bad as well.  We needed a replacement due to there not being a rentable copy of Home Alone anywhere.  So we went with Gremlins.  It is a classic, but it is quite goody and cheesy as well.  So, we enjoyed ourselves…but that doesn’t mean we yelled at the screen any less.

This is a heartwarming movie about a father’s Christmas present to his son.  Well, he is an inventor, so he is peddling his wares in the slums of Chinatown.  He finds a curious little animal and basically steals it from an old Chinese man.  The son loves the furry little furby look-a-like, and names him Gizmo.  This gift comes with a few rules though.  1.  Keep him out of the sunlight, or any bright light.  2.  Don’t get him wet.  3.  Don’t feed him after midnight.

Sounds easy enough right?  It should be easy enough, seeing as the son is out of high school.  But alas, he gets Gizmo wet, and it causes him to multiply.  So, one rule…failed.  Well, some of the new Gizmo’s are cunning and actually trick him into feeding them after midnight.  What is the result of this late night snack?  They become demons.  Yep, demons that now are terrorizing the townsfolk.  Wreaking havoc all over town.  Killing, drinking, beating, smoking and looting.

The son tries to fight back and actually manages to take out all of them but the leader.   But, then, in a fit of sheer manliness, he receives a severe beat down at the hands of the lone foot and a half tall Gremlin.  What results is an awkward chase and fight scene in a dept store.  The gremlin attacks him with just about everything you can imagine, this includes a chainsaw and a crossbow bolt to the shoulder.  He is getting completely owned by the Gremlin, until Gizmo steps in.  Or drives in for that matter.  That’s right, Gizmo drives in to save the day in Barbie’s pink corvette and saves the day.

The movie isn’t that bad.  However, there are plenty of moments that make it worthy of Sunday night.

1. In the downtown grungy area of Chinatown, there is a rickshaw that appears to be carrying 3 photo snapping nuns.
2. The Chinese man’s store consists of shrunken heads animals that aren’t for sale, and it is basically located in a basement.  How does he stay in business!?
3. The main character has an amazing white boy 80’s jew-fro.
4. The main character ‘parks’ his car in the middle of the yard.  It makes no sense.
5. The main character also seems about 20ish, with a close friend that sits around 10ish.  How is that normal?  They hang out in his room!  It’s not right!
6. Or how about the old lady in town that seems only content to take the homes from down on their luck families at Christmas time.
7. The neighbor hates things foreign.  Cars, people, TV’s, anything that is not made in the good ole’ USA is not ok with him.
8. Also, the same neighbor tries to drive home drunk…in his tractor.
9. Speaking of drinking, the cops are sitting in the station…drinkin it up, and then they go on patrol.

10.  And if we are talking about cops, we need to mention when their car flips.  It ramps over the back of another car.  When it flips over, you can see the stunt equipment on the bottom of the car for about 15 seconds.  They don’t even try to hide it.

11.  Gremlins, oh how they are killed.  Like in a blender, or a microwave, or a fountain.

12.  After the fuzzy pets go into cocoons to turn into gremlins, the family just goes about their business.  Why would you leave 5 oozing pods unattended in your house?!

13.  Flashing gremlins

14.  Gremlins getting drunk at the bar.

15.  How about them walking in the snow?  If water makes them multiply…then shouldn’t there be an army anytime they walk anywhere?

16.  Judge Reinhold trying to get a girl back to his apt. “Come on.  We’re talking cable!”

Wow.  This movie is a classic…but after putting it all down on paper, it all does sound a bit silly.  But, I guess that’s why it’s a classic.  Bonus points for an awesome Judge Reinhold and Corey Feldman cameos.  In the words of one of the characters:  “While everyone else is opening their gifts, they are opening up their wrists.’

Priceless Christmas sentiment.

Overall Rating:

3 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Jingle All the Way

Person Responsible: David

This is the worst Christmas movie ever.  Ever.  EVER.  This 90 minute journey into pain and suffering stars Arnold and Sinbad.  This movie is all encompassing.  It has fighting over toys, out of control consumerism, bad parenting, man-whoring, abusive santas and of course….a bad father needing to regain the love of his family.

The movie starts of with our hero, Arnold, missing his son’s karate match because he is working late.  Of course this movie has a bad father!  It’s Christmas month!  Honestly, I’m starting to wonder if it is genetically impossible for any male to be a good father around the holidays.  So, anyways, the son hates him for missing the match and the wife is ticked that he broke a promise to their son.  Sound familiar?  It should, in December, this is home.  So, how does Arnold turn it around and win back the affection and respect of his family?  Turn into a snowman?  Santa?  Nope, but by the end of the movie, he is dressed as a super hero and flying around on a jet pack.  But, let’s rewind a bit.

So, the entire movie is about a toy.  Turboman, to be exact.  The most popular Christmas toy ever.  How popular you may ask? Let me tell you how popular.  Turboman has: His own cereal, a TV show, a movie, wrapping paper, a line clothes that includes pajamas, toys, and in the parade, he has his own float complete with Turboman marching band.

Anyways, Arnold’s boy only wants a Turboman action figure for Christmas.  So, being a dad and it being Christmas time, of course Arnold forgot to get one.  The rest of the movie is spent watching him go all over the city looking for one.  Every place he goes has some ridiculous situation after another.  He is either fighting mobs, running across town to a radio station, or chasing a kid with a superball.  And let’s not forget his arch-nemesis, a mailman played by Sinbad.  They are both looking for a Turboman, and the actually get into physical fights along the way.

Speaking of fighting, let’s talk about the rampant and violent consumerism in this movie.  What an awful representation of the holidays.  Men choking old ladies, people fighting over toys, punching, kicking, hitting, tripping, sabotage, greed beyond belief, adulterous neighbors, thieving neighbors, lying disc jockeys, people being trampled, slapped, poked, gouged, ect ect ect.  This makes Christmas awful. This is a family movie.  What family wants their child’s view of Christmas to be like this?  I wouldn’t.

That’s not even taking into effect the santas.  Jim Belushi is a mall santa that takes Arnold back to his ‘workshop’ for a Turboman.  Well, santas ‘workshop’ is actually a warehouse on the docks, and his helpers, are thieves.  Yes, despite the song that they serenade Arnold with, we know the santas to be crooks.  Stealing toys and selling them to desperate parents at 5 times the retail cost.  Exactly what I want a small child’s vision of Santa Clause to be.  And then to top it off, they give him a broken toy.  And then they beat him up when he confronts them about it.  Yes, there is a giant santa vs. Arnold fight.  That is until the cops bust into break up the operation.  Arnold grabs a toy badge and acts mad and claims to be an undercover….and walks away.  A toy badge fools the other officers…seriously.

But, perhaps the most disgusting Christmas moment, took place in the radio station.  Arnold and Sinbad rush to a radio station to answer a question to win a Turboman.  Here is what transpires.  Arnold arrives and answers the question and is denied the Turboman.  At that point, Sinbad bursts in and demands the doll.  The DJ then phones the police, which prompts Sinbad to take drastic measures.  He grabs a package out of his mail bag (that he is for some reason carrying throughout the entire movie) and rant about it being a bomb and that he will blow them all up if he doesn’t get the Turboman.  Well, the DJ hands him a certificate for a Turboman.  Apparently that is all they had, no doll, just a certificate for one when they are back in stock, and apparently the bomb threat was a bluff.  Well, the police arrive and start to take them away, and then Sinbad tries the whole fake bomb package again.  Well, the police freak and Arnold and Sinbad escape.  Then there is a large explosion from the building.  Apparently the second package really was a bomb.  There is then a shot of the officers, they all have ash and soot on their face.  Like a cartoon.  Don’t worry kids, bombs blow up just like in cartoons, you are fine afterwards, even if you are holding it.

So, neither of them get the doll, and somehow, Arnold ends up dressed as Turboman in the parade, and Sinbad ends up dressed as the supervillan.  I know it doesn’t make sense.  Apparently is Arnold is on screen, it doesn’t have to.  Well, there is now a superhero battle going on between them for the last Turboman in the city.  Well boy oh boy does it get out of hand.  Sinbad ends up chasing Arnold’s kid onto a building overhang, leaving him dangling over 10 stories of air.  That seems rational…risk a kid’s life so your own son can have a certain action figure.

How about some quotes:

1. “But Dad, purple is very important to me.”
2. “It’s Turbo time!”
3. “You can’t bench press your way out of this one.”
4. “Maybe your parents should get a divorce.  It did wonders for my Dad.”

And now to my favorite parts of the movie.  At one point, Arnold punches a reindeer.  In the face.  He punches a reindeer in the face.  And then shares a beer with it later.  Turboman has a sidekick.  Booster.  Booster is a bright pink saber toothed tiger.  We think.  Everyone hates Booster.  No one wants to buy his toy, and in one scene a gang of kids attack him screaming about how much they hate him.    And he is played by Booger from revenge of the Nerds.  Nice.  The only good thing about this movie is Phil Hartman.  We miss you Phil.  Otherwise, this movie is all that is evil in the world.  Avoid it at all costs.

Overall Rating:

0 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Now for our quotes of the night:

1. Steve “Yes.  I will have the spirit of Christmas in my butt all year long.”
2. David “How do I get out?  Steve what do I do?!”

Steve “I don’t’ know how to escape the fake toy store!”

1. David “Eggnog to the face!”
2. Ally   “I wish the bomb ‘was’ real and it killed everyone in this movie.”
3. Steve “I wanna know what ‘dis’ is so that I may get the hang of it.”
4. Ally    “Check out banner Turboman!”

So, Christmas month is finally over, and it could not have come a moment too soon.  These have been some of the worst movies to sit through that we have watched.  I cannot wait for January movies.  It’s my birthday month, so I get to pick.  Kevin Bacon/80’s month here we come!!! This is going to be epic.  Super pumped.  Tune in next week for Teen Wolf Too and Tremors!

Thanks for listening chiiiiiildren!!!