Supernightmare

Week three was not ideal.  It marks the halfway point of 80s/Bacon month, and it has also marked the low point in the month.  We switched it up a bit this week, and gave Mr. Bacon a rest.  We doubled up on the 80’s with plans of a double serving of Bacon next week.  I’ll just say, it better be the best Bacon ever to make up for the double 80’s crap that we endured this week.  We submit for your approval, ‘Supergirl’, and ‘Dream a Little Dream.’

Supergirl

Person responsible: David and David alone

I barely want to write about this one.  It seems like a lot of effort for maybe the worst movie we have ever watched.  This wasn’t so much a movie as it was just embarrassing for everyone involved.  The characters were weak, the dialogue was laughable, and the plot was down right idiotic.  And it was long!!!  Just a few minutes shy of two hours!  Why!?  If you are going to make a terrible movie, at least have the common decency to not go over an hour and a half.  Consider it a mercy flush.

What’s so wrong with this movie?  Let’s dive in.  The story begins in a small enclosed city full of Kryptonians, including our main character, Kara.  They spend the majority of their days with scientific pursuits which mostly consist of school, and making things sparkle and glow with phallic shaped magic wands.  Enter Peter O’Toole, and his wand.  He has “borrowed” the city’s main power source to do some experiments, and basically hands it to Kara to play with.  Harmless, right?  Hardly.  Maybe this move but O’Toole would have been harmless if Kara didn’t seemingly have the mental capacity of a two year old (she’s 16).    Seriously, for the first thirty minutes or so, we thought Kara was mentally handicapped.  She sat on the ground drawing a dragonfly while the adults were talking, amongst other childish actions that should be behind her age.

And, then the unthinkable happens.  Our little (still 16) Kara, while playing with the power source, accidentally launches it at the wall of the city.  Yep, it goes right through the city’s saran wrap like wall and right out into outer space.  O’Toole freaks out and vows to take a transport and retrieve the power source, for without it, all in the city will die.  But….bumbling little Kara jumps into the transport instead, placing her civilization’s fate on her short bus riding shoulders.  What follows, is a journey through the stars that is reminiscent of a Pink Floyd laser show.  Not a moment to soon, the power source crash lands on Earth, followed shortly by Kara.  She lands in the lake.  The power source splashes down in the middle of a picnic.  Why is this relevant?  Well, because the woman having the picnic is a witch, and the primary villain.

Again, you may ask….relevance?  Well, she finds the power source, and through some amazing deduction, discovers it’s alien technological powers.  She discovers this in about fifteen seconds.  Must be her witch powers of perception.  So, she uses the power source for witchery.  Not quite sure why the Kryptonians added witchery to the power sources specs.  But then again, I’m not quite sure why the entire city’s power source looks like a painted golf ball either.  Anyways, Selena (the witch) now uses the power golf ball for selfish purposes.  Namely, world domination through magic.  How does she plan on doing this?  Making the whole world fall in love with her, one person at a time…..literally.

And that’s where Kara comes in.  When she landed on Earth, she took on the identity of a prep school student.  She did this by instantly transforming her Supergirl suit into a prep school uniform.  Also by morphing her blonde hair into brown, something she does repeatedly throughout the movie.  Also, to get into the school, she speed types a forged letter of recommendation from her cousin….Clark Kent.  Ya, they went there.  Now, at this school, she gets a roommate….who also happens to be Lois Lane’s cousin.  What are the odds?  No, seriously, what would the odds of that be.

The witch begins her plans and drugs a landscaper to fall in love with her.  After he wakes up, he will fall in love with the first woman he sees.  Perfect plan, except he escapes.  So, she magics a bulldozer to capture and return him.  Yes, that’s right, a bulldozer.  Kara just happens to be eating with friends and sees what’s happening and springs into action.  Only…when he wakes up after she saves him, the spell inadvertently is now making him fall for her, not Selena.  Whoops.  Selena is pissed because the landscaper only has eyes for her.  And for some reason, whenever he speaks, he can now only talk in romantic prose.  Selena sends some kind of a magic beast to kill Kara/Supergirl.  I say some kind of beast, for a reason.  In one of the cheapest movie moments ever, Supergirl fights and invisible monster.  Come on!!

At this point, Selena is all sorts of powerful and kidnaps a lot of Kara’s friends as bait.  This includes Lois Lane’s cousin and Jimmy Olson.  Falling for the trap, Kara is trapped and banished to the shadow zone, a barren wasteland for outcasts and criminals.  And guess who she runs into?  Peter O’Toole!  Really?  Well, they end up escaping, however Peter O’Toole is killed in the process…finally.  Supergirl returns to Selena’s fortress for a final showdown.  And she is pitted up against what can only be described as a giant pissed off deer.  She wins, we aren’t quite sure how, but she does.  She regains the golf ball and returns home to save the city.  Yay!

Now, if that wasn’t enough to prove our distaste, have some highlights:

1. Supergirl lands in a lake and flies out bone dry.
2. Speaking of flying.  Black cables are always visible in any of her 45 flying scenes throughout the movie.
3. There is a tiger skinned blanket that is used in the picnic.  It is white at first, and then later, orange.
4. Supergirl automatically knows how to use her powers, even though she has never been to Earth before.
5. When Selena drugs the landscaper, we get ruffie vision.
6. During the final fight, Supergirl seems to shrink to a pocket sized hero while flying around Selena to create a tornado.
7. “A tree?  What’s a tree?”
8. “Put your fingers here, Kara.  And press hard.”
9. “It’s all this weather.  It affects the brain and makes people smarter.”
10. “Earrings make the guys go crazy.”
11. “A stormdragon?”
12. “”Destroy her, wherever she are!”
13. “You just flew over my head, true or false?”
14. “Forget I said anything.  Have a squirt instead.”
15. And our favorite part of all:  Selena has a set of three statues that are in almost every scene that she is in.  Why does this matter?  It matters because they appear to be topless women…that all seem to have a penis.  Just gross.

All in all, this movie was terrible.  I’m not sure that there was one good thing about it.  Well, except for the fact that Christopher Reeves wanted nothing to do with it.  Wise decision.  Or maybe the awkward relationship between Selena and her witch friend.  They acted like a couple of old ladies.  This is my least favorite movie that we have watched so far, and I think my team would second that.

Overall Rating:

1 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Dream a Little Dream

Person Responsible: David

Bring on the Coreys!!!  Honestly, you can’t have an 80’s month without them showing up at least once.  However, we are split as far as favorites.  Ally favors Feldman, and I prefer Haim, while Steve isn’t partial to either.  But love them or hate them, no 80’s month is complete without them dropping by for a visit.  A very very bad visit.

‘Dream a Little Dream’ isn’t a bad movie like the rest we have watched.  Production value isn’t that bad, and the acting isn’t to awful either.  What makes this one a turd, is the absolute lack of sense that the story and supporting dialogue make.  Basically, we have Feldman and Haim playing Bobby and Dinger.  They are two best friends and somewhat of the outcasts at school.  Well, Feldman is in love with a popular girl at school.  Of course her boyfriend is described by the dup as the crazy jerk.  Sound familiar?  It did, except that the crazy jerk is actually the Bobby and Dinger’s best friend.  They build him up as this bully and he actually defends them on multiple occasions.

So far, it’s playing out just like every other teen movie ever.  Enter the old couple.  An old man obsessed with dreams and his wife who is not impressed with him or his work.  Basically, he wants to enter into a constant dream state, so he can live forever.  Daily trances, equations, yoga looking exercising and lots of sleep.  This is his research.  I find it an old man’s excuse to sleep all day.  Anyways, his wife appears to be cheating on him, and is portrayed as not really loving him.  But the cheating is never addressed after the first instance, and she later seems to be madly in love with him.

So, on night, the old couple is out on the lawn doing their strange yoga dream stance thing.  At the same time, Feldman is running to find his love interest, who just happens to be biking home.  What results is Feldman and the girl colliding in the yard in front of the old couple.  What follows is the plot for the remaining portion of the movie.  They and keep up.

Basically, at the time of the bike vs. Feldman crash, the old couple had reached a state in meditation where dreams meet reality.  Because of this, something strange happens to them.  The old man’s mind is now trapped in Feldman’s head and the old woman’s mind is trapped in the girl’s head.  Don’t push too hard to explain that one, it leads nowhere.  So, now we have two old people in young bodies, trying to get out, and one very confused Dinger stuck in the middle.

Continuing on, the old man is very aware of the situation.  He goes as far as combing his new hair, changing Feldman’s wardrobe, and improving Feldman’s failing grades.  However, the old woman is unaware of her situation and apparently is laying dormant in the teen girl’s mind.  This makes it a bit creepy.  The old man knows that his wife is in there, so he hits on her.  And makes out with her…as a teen girl….odd.  Just makes him seem like an old pervert.

So, the movie goes on like this for awhile, with dream sequences sprinkled in.  These dreams are the most confusing part of the movie.  The old man is walking around the neighborhood while Feldman torments him.  So, Feldman is trapped in a dream world while the old man is trapped in his body….I think.  Feldman doesn’t want to go back to the real world, so he won’t tell the old man how to fix everything and get back to his body.  So, basically, every dream sequence is ‘I’m young and hip, you’re old, and I’m not gonna tell you hour to get back to reality.”  None of the dreams make any sense at all.  There is even a random sheep, for no apparent reason at all.

In the end, everyone is back in their normal bodies and happy.  Don’t ask us how it happened, we have no idea.  Feldman gets the girl and there is newfound respect between him and the old man.

So confused.  Let’s hit the highlights and get this over with.

1. There is a white girl freestyle rapping.
2. Dinger has a broken leg and quite often, the cane is on the wrong side.
3. Apparently, Feldman’s character knows kung fu.
4. Dinger gets tackled after tripping someone with his cane….best take down ever.
5. “The girl that looks good in leotards?”
6. “I was dreaming….apache women…Vanna White with a whip.”
7. “No one knows what dreams are.”
8. “Feel the energy of the Earth rise up between your legs.”
9. While looking at his new body in the mirror, the old man says “At least he has a good body.”
10. “Dude, you turning fag on me or what?”
11. “Wow, I always thought SAT meant Saturday afternoon test.”
12. There is a gospel according to Feldman scene.  He pleads with his classmates that violence isn’t the answer.
13. A mother has her boyfriend drug her daughter.
14. Let’s talk fashion.  There is a montage of ripping jeans and hair product while the Coreys get ready for school.  Feldman has a greasy long mullet.  Lets run down some of the outfits:  Mid drift shirt on a guy, tux jacket and shirt with bright red shorts, leotard that makes a girl’s butt crack extend all the way up her back, a blue suede jacket with tassels on a guy, and my favorite, suspenders with sweat pants.

So, again, this movie made no sense at all.  We honestly think it was made as an excuse to let Feldman dance like Michael Jackson.  Seriously, there are two dance numbers.  It would have been a total loss if it hadn’t been for Haim.  His overacting as Dinger saved this movie, at least for me.

Overall Rating:

2 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Now for some interesting quote from us:

David: “My gut reaction is Rhino-cock”

Steve: “God, I love salami. Tomorrow, I’m gonna buy some salami.”

Steve: “Ponies! Whew!!”

Steve: “It’s like the Golden Girls vs Supergirl.”

Ally: “Find your destiny is the mailslot?”

David: “It was back when Feldman was all into Michael Jackson… or when Michael Jackson was all in Feldman.”

So, not really a great week. Not the worst, but very, very far from the best. Bacon/80′s is now in the home stretch. And I know that I’m not the only one that’s excited about what’s in store.

Bacon or Duck?

Week two of 80’s /Bacon month is in the can.  We have had to bring in some substitution due to missing movies.  Seriously, ‘License to Drive’, ‘White Water Summer’ and ‘The Air Up There’ must not actually exist anymore.  For the life of me, I can’t find a copy of them anywhere.  Lucky for us, there is no shortage of Bacon or 80’s.  So, in short, it wasn’t the night that we had expected, but it will be one that we remember, and try very hard to forget.  We submit for your approval, Howard the Duck and Stir of Echoes.

Howard the Duck

Person Responsible: Ally & David

What a mistake.  A very bad mistake.  It’s a movie that all of us had watched before, but many years ago.  The fact that even as kids we thought this movie was terrible should have been a warning.  It wasn’t.  This is an 80’s movie about a walking, talking duck.  It is also a comic book movie.  It’s directed by George Lucas, who as we all know, found a hatred for movie goers as soon as he finished the original trilogies for Star Wars and Indiana Jones.

The story?  Well, how to put this.  There is a duck world.   Yes, a world where ducks are the dominant race.  They have normal lives and jobs like we do.  And karate, and drugs and porn.  Ya, our main character is sitting in his living room looking at a ‘Playduck’.  And on his wall are pictures of him in his Quack-fu outfit, and another picture has him standing in a field of pot.  That’s not the most disappointing thing on his wall though.  There is a mock ‘Indiana Jones’ poster with a duck instead of Indy.  The title?  ‘Breeders of the Lost Storck.’  George Lucas, you should be ashamed of yourself, for a great many things.

Anyway, back to the plot.  While Howard is relaxing in the living room, he is suddenly pulled through the walls and into outer space.    He flies through space, all the while, a way too serious narrator gives a way too serious voice over.  Howard finally lands…in Cleveland.  Yep, that’s the best that they could come up with.  He wanders around for a bit and ends up befriending a girl he meets in an alley.  By meets, I mean uses Quack-fu to save her from two would be rapists.  And by girl, I mean a rock singer played by Leah Thompson.  She takes him home and they become quick friends due to her being the only person he knows, and due to…..well, we really can’t explain why she befriends a talking duck.  Maybe the rescue, maybe because it’s the 80’s, who knows?

So, she takes Howard to see her scientist friend played by Tim Robbins.  He plays an astrophysicist, or according to his dialogue, an “astrolophysicist.”    Well, this scientist calls another scientist, who calls another scientist.  Eventually we find out that it is science’s fault that Howard was brought to Earth.  Apparently, there is a giant astrophysics lab in the outskirts of Cleveland.  They built a giant laser to use for inter-planetary  communication or something.  Well, this giant laser actually sucked Howard off of his planet and pulled him all the way to Earth.

Yep, that’s what happened.  Unfortunately for Earth, the laser also pulled down a galactic warlord bent on world domination.  So, ya, the rest of the movie is the duck, the rock star, and the “astrolophysicist” trying to stop the overlord from bringing his evil space buddies down to Earth.  They succeed in stopping him, but destroy the laser in the process.  This means that Howard now has no way of ever getting home.  What’s a stranded talking duck to do on an alien planet?  Become Leah Thompson’s manager and have a concert at the end of the movie.  Makes perfect sense.  As does the “Howard the Duck” theme song that they are singing at the concert.

Ready for some highlights?  I don’t think that you are.

1.There is a shot of a girl duck in a bathtub.  All I can say is….duck boobs, complete with nipples.

2.Leah Thompson calls some guys “sleezoids” and “mungholes.”

3. Fifteen minutes into the movie, we get a flashback to something that happened eight minutes into the movie.

4.Howard snores.  We just weren’t sure if ducks could do that.

5. Howard threatens that his bite can give you space rabies.  And then claims that it has been all over the news.

6. Howard is arrested and charged with being an illegal alien.

7.Howard gets a job at a hot tub parlor.  People are everywhere half naked and foolin’ around.  Gross.

8. There is a ‘Cajun sushi’ restaurant.

9. Howard calls a white guy a “cracker.’

10.  The overlord looks like a giant brown lobster.

11.  “In the beginning, there was Howard the Duck.”

12.  “No more mister nice duck.”

13.  ”I’ve been doing too much toot.”

14.  ”The planet is called Earth, I think.”

15.  ”It’s a bird, it’s a plane!  No, it’s a duck!”

16.  “I had a duck.  I could’ve been a contender!”

17.  “Book him, ducko.”

18.  “It’s a duck hunt!”

19.  “Hostility is like a psychic boomerang.”

20.  “I’m gonna Bar-B-Que your bill, bird!”

21.  “He’s my favorite duck.”

22.  “Bull Pucky.”

23.  “I know my rights!  Where’s my baseball cap?!”

24.  “Trust you inner bird-ness!”

25.  “No duck is an island.”

26.  “You little pond hopper.”

Now, this is a terrible idea for a movie, no doubt about it.  What blew our minds is that from the outside, it seems like a kid’s movie.  Talking duck, PG rating…not at all.  Nudity, sexual content, vulgarity, profanity, and most anything else you would ever not want your kid to see.  Also, I didn’t mention the awkward and hard to watch inter-species love scene that almost happened.   Just gross.

Howard:  “We can’t.  I’ve got a headache!”

Beverly (Thompson): “And I’ve got the aspirin.”

How did we, as a society, let this happen?

Overall Rating:

2out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Stir of Echoes

Person Responsible: David

Overall, not a terrible movie, however, not a good one either.  It’s a horror movie…kind of, we think.  It wasn’t really scary.  Honestly, I think that if you asked our opinions, we would tell you it was a comedy.  The parenting in this movie is absolutely brilliant.  Not to mention the top notch acting by Bacon.  No, seriously, he is fantastic.

So, there’s this guy, played by Kevin Bacon.  And he has a son that sees ghosts, and a wife that dresses inappropriately for her age and her stomach.  And this wife has a sister that is a witch and is a professional hypnotizer.  So Bacon also has some neighbors who have a party.  And at this party, Bacon taunts his wife’s sister about her witch-ness and the absurdity of hypnotism.  So, this sister-in-law hypnotizes Bacon.  This does not sit well with the Bacon at all.  In fact he goes a little crazy pants.

Actually, he goes a lot crazy.  He all of the sudden starts seeing a dead girl in his house.  Not so much haunting him, just kind of hanging out.  He starts freaking out, naturally.  Apparently, his witch-in-law “opened his mind.”  So now he sees things that he normally wouldn’t.  Like brake lights, and exit signs.  Ya, every time he sees either of them, all he hears is a loud buzzing sound.  No, they never really explain that one.  Also, he can see the future.  Like when all of the adults are going to the high school football game, he gets a vision.  A vision of the babysitter kidnapping their son while they are at the game.  Pretty intuitive for parents that left their sleeping son alone when they went to the party.  Oh, don’t worry, they left the baby monitor on and took it with them.  Seriously.

Anyway, we find out that the ghost is actually the babysitter’s missing sister.  So, through some more visions, Bacon is told to dig for the body.  And where else to start than his own back yard?  Now, I have seen a lot of badly written and badly acted scenes in my life, and this one is right up there.  It starts as an argument with his wife while he is digging up the back yard, and ends inside with him pouring them both a glass of orange juice.  He chugs both of them.  Ya, apparently, orange juice is medicine for crazy people.  The fridge is full of it, literally.  Nothing else in there.

Anyways, he finally finds the girls body in the basement.  He jackhammers the concrete floor, and then accidently stumbles upon her body in a badly bricked over wall.  Through one last vision, he sees her death.  His landlord and his best friend’s sons accidentally killed her while trying to get their rape on.  How did she get walled up in the basement?  The two dads helped the sons cover it all up so that they wouldn’t get arrested.  And then when Bacon and his wife discover the truth, the landlord tries to kill them both.  Well, in the end, the best friend stops the landlord from killing them and everything turns out fine.  Well, except for the fact that the kid still sees and hears ghosts.

Now on to the highlights.

1. There’s Bacon vision.
2. Everyone is constantly talking about what a great neighborhood it is to live in.  How everyone looks out for each other.  Ya, attempted rape, murder, kidnapping, fights, hiding bodies, attempted murder.  Sounds like paradise.
3. The little kid is at one point watching the original ‘Night of the Living Dead.’  It hurts that Night was involved at all in this movie.
4. Bacon almost has mutton chops.
5. “Why don’t you just lick them when they walk by?”
6. “If you don’t do her thing, she may never leave.”
7. “It’s just a body, it doesn’t prove anything!”

Now, there are a few other things that troubled us in this movie.  Like the hypnotism scene.  I don’t even really know what they were going for in this one.  He is in a theatre, it is all black and dark and there is no one else in there with him.  There are words on the screen, but they are fuzzy and he has to go closer to see them.  How do they have him go closer?  They have him float towards the screen in an armchair.  Kevin Bacon floating in a movie theater in an armchair might be the most ridiculous thing that I have ever seen.  Now, later on in the movie, the wife meets this black guy that apparently is going through the same thing that Bacon is going through.  She goes to meet him and he apparently fills her in on what is happening to her husband and what it will take to stop it.  There is a whole room of people that are apparently going through the same thing as Bacon.  After the initial scene, that part of the story is never mentioned again.

Now, to the parenting.  The mom takes the son for a nice leisurely stroll in a cemetery.  Also, Bacon turns off what appears to be a penis shaped lamp in the son’s room.  They constantly leave the kid alone, and they take the baby monitor with them instead of a babysitter.  They fight and cuss at each other all of the time and the little kid is always around to watch.  Not to mention the fact that Bacon includes the little guy in his crazy dig up the dead girl scheme.  And of course the two parents that try to help their sons cover up murder.

Also, it must be mentioned.  It was the night of the awkward sex scene.  There was a Bacon love scene.  He and his wife, grunting along.  However, he started having his crazy visions in the middle of it and had to stop.  And after stopping, he utters these words that I know every wife wants to hear after a failed romantic romp: “Wait, wait.  Stop it!  It’s too weird.”

What else can I say about this movie after recalling that scene?  Not much.

Overall Rating:

3 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Our quotes of the night:

Steve:  “Were those duck boobs?”

Ally:    “Yes, yes they were.”

Steve:    “We should buy a duck and see if it snores.”

Steve:    “I’ve never really thought of science and Cleveland as being joined together.”

David:  “Wow, that’s a big budget.  How did this happen?”

David:  “Burnt….raw fish?”

Steve:   “I want to meet a duck that’s an island.”

David:  “Would that be a crap lobster?”

Steve:   “Ye, that would be a crap lobster.”

David:  “Is she grabbin’ Kevin’s bacon?”

Ally:     “She’s achin for some bacon.”

Ally:    “A little junk in your portside?”

Steve:  “I wonder if Bacon likes bacon?”

So, week two…done.  Week three quickly approaching.  What does the rest of this month have in store for us?  I know.  Ally and Steve have an idea.  And none of us are very happy about it.  This weekend is ‘Footloose’ and ‘Dream a Little Dream’.  It’s not going to be very pretty.  Stick around and see what happens.

Thanks for listening chiiiiiildren!!!!!

Bateman and the Wolf vs. Bacon and the Worm

Ah, January.  Snow on the ground, fresh winter air and the after glow of the holiday season.  And of course, my birthday.  Yes, it’s my turn to pick the month’s genre.  That’s right kids, it’s 80’s/Kevin Bacon month.  I have been plotting the movies and looking forward to this for awhile.  So, with no further ado…we submit for your approval, Teen Wolf Too and Tremors.

Teen Wolf

Person Responsible: All of the above

Teen Wolf was my choice, but Ally and Steve vetoed it to watch the sequel.  So, I only take partial responsibility for this one.  Now, where as the 1^st movie is about Michael J. Fox being a high school student coping with being a werewolf, the sequel is about Jason Bateman coping with being a werewolf in college.  Big difference.  Did I mention they are cousins?  Family ties or not, Michael J. Fox wasn’t coming anywhere near this one.  Not even for a cameo.  Wise decision.

Bateman’s character is a geeky college freshman studying science.  Crustacean reproduction to be exact.  I didn’t know that was even a major.  However, he is there on a boxing scholarship.  No, he isn’t a boxer.  Basically, the boxing coach used to be Michael J. Fox’s basketball coach.  The dean needs the boxing championship to reclaim his honor.  Whatever the hell that means.  So, naturally,   knowing the family history, the coach recruits Bateman expecting a ‘teen wolf’ to win all the matches.

Well, this science student isn’t having it.  He refused to believe he has the werewolf gene.  That is until he turns into a werewolf at a fancy college party.  And then, of course, he is now an amazing boxer, the girls all love him, he gets bribes from the dean, and starts dance numbers in the quad.  Wait, what?  Yes, a big 80’s dance number takes place in the middle of the movie.  Why?  Well, to show how cool he is now.  And nothing says cool quite like a werewolf dancing to ‘Do You Love Me’ while surrounded by girls in neon spandex and giant hair.  But I digress.

So, after turning into a popular jerk for about 20 minutes, he finally comes to his senses.  He regains his old friends, ditches his new ones, and stops being the wolf.  Oh, ya, I forgot, he also wins the boxing championship as himself.  With very little training to speak of, he lasts 3 rounds.  Somehow, he holds onto consciousness after being pummeled by roughly two hundred punches.  He lands one uppercut and maybe ten punches to knock his opponent out cold.

Now, as if this movie wasn’t bad enough already, let’s review the highlights:

1.At one point, the voices are not matching up with the mouths.

2. Bateman is carrying a milk carton, a fencing student pierces it and it begins to leak.  They hold a finger over the hole to stop the leak, but when they move their finger….the leak miraculously stops.

3.One of the science students didn’t know how to turn on the microscope.

4.A boxer crushes a golf ball with his hand.

5.During the dance number, Bateman is singing along into a microphone.  He tosses the microphone, but somehow he voice is still amplified.

6.Bateman’s room mate, Styles, has a phenomenal mullet.

7.Bateman’s uncle gives him ‘emergency’ money; it appears to be two dollars.

8.Bateman, rockin’ the jeans and a tie for most of the movie.

9.When Bateman first meets his science teacher (who also turns out to be a werewolf as well) they share an awkward silent smile and moment that made us all feel a bit icky.

10.Boxing as the main focus of this college?  Seriously?

11.They only counted to three on one knockout in a match.

12.The ‘bad guy’ boxer wears aviator sunglasses throughout the entire movie.

13.How is it within regulation to have a werewolf boxing?

14.Why does not one pedestrian freak out when the uncle turns into a werewolf while driving?

15.The coach uses an exercise bike like a desk.

16.Bateman, as the wolf, runs and catches a Frisbee in his mouth.

17.There is a frog fight.  Yes, throwing dead frogs at each other.

18.The coach….oh my.  While walking down a hall talking to Bateman, he takes a long glance into a doorway.  We then see a college male in a towel walk out.  Later, the same college boxing coach is seen sitting and reading an issue of ‘Boys Life’ magazine.

19.“Homosapean Femenenist”

20.“Shut up and dance.”

21.“Frog Fight!”

22.“I just had a beard all over my body, fingernails the sixe of French fries, fangs from here to Texas, and she called me a dog.”

23.“You just hit me with a dead frog.”

So, ya, I will not be letting my movie choices for the month be changed again.  I own this movie because it was in a two pack with Teen Wolf. (not that it’s any less embarrassing to own the first one)  I had never watched the sequel until now, and no matter how much you may try, some things just cannot be unseen.  This was a hard movie for our group.  All of us are huge Arrested Development fans, and this did not sit well with us.  It’s so hard to even look and Jason Bateman the same way any more.  Things are not okay anymore.  This movie changed perceptions….and not for the better.

Overall Rating:

1 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Tremors

Person Resonsible: David

As far as I am concerned, even the snottiest of movie critics has what I call the “guilty pleasure 5.”  No matter how refined your tastes are in the ways of cinema, you have 5 movies that are an embarrassment to your palette, however, you cannot watch them enough.  No matter what you do, you cannot hate these movies.  They are terrible.  Bad acting, bad story, effects, music, characters, props, whatever.  Most everything in the movie is bad, and you honestly have no reason to like them.  But you do.  And if you are lucky, no one ever finds out about your list.  However, I am outing a few of them on my list.  My list is riddled with Bacon.  Footloose and Tremors both being on the list.  Now, these movies are amazing, and terrible, and we are going to watch both of them before the month is over?  How can I be so sure?  I can be so sure because I own them both.  Not only do I own them, but I own the special edition Footloose and all 4 of the Tremors movies, in what is known as the  attack pack.  Yes, I know, I shouldn’t have let that one out of the bag, but, I can’t have a Kevin Bacon month without telling the truth.

So, anyways, who hasn’t seen this movie?  It’s a must see.  I really am at a loss for words for what to say about it.  I guess I should summarize the plot.  Here it goes.  You have a sleepy little town called perfection.  And in it you have a handful of people living there.  Among those people are two handymen (one played by Kevin Bacon).  They decide to finally leave the tiny town for greener pastures.  Or not.  They cannot escape the town because they are turning up bodies everywhere all of the sudden.  A man is dead at the top of an electrical tower.  Why would he climb up there and die?  Another man is found buried all the way up to his face in the dirt.  Yet another scene has an entire station wagon buried in the ground with it’s owners dead.  What could be doing this?  We soon find out.  Suckoids…or snakeoids….nope, Graboids.  Yes, the townsfolk decided on Graboids.  Basically, giant worms with beaks that have man-eating tentacles coming out of their mouths.  These creatures move through the ground like a fish moves through the water, and then spring out to attack.

So, the rest of the movie is spent on rooftops avoiding these creatures, until they can escape.  And by escape, I of course mean all pile into a tractor and ‘zooming’ away up the mountains.  Apparently, the Graboids can not move through rock.  So, our survivors pole vault from rock to rock, they distract by yelling and stomping, at one point, they actually use home made bombs and go ‘fishing’ for them….successfully.

The movie ends with Kevin Bacon making a run for it and tricking the last living Graboid.  Tricked the Graboid?  Why yes, tricked the Graboid.  Basically, Bacon hauled right towards a cliff, and jumped to the side at the last second, causing the Graboid to careen out of the cliff wall, falling to it’s death.   It’s very, very messy death.

This movie has quite a few gems involved as well; it’s not all fun and Graboids.  There is a sign on the supply store that reads “Coldest beer in town!”   Ya, how incredibly difficult is it to have the coldest beer in a town with 20 people and one store?  When they are trying to go for help, they use the store owner’s horsed due to the road being out.  When they are attacked, the horses go crazy, and you can actually see the strings that are holding them on the ground while they thrash around.  Also, before they leave, the store owner offers this tidbit: “Hey earl, here’s some Swiss cheese and bullets.”  What?  Why the cheese?  And when the store owner is sucked into the ground during an attack, he has what could only  be described as ‘jazz hands’ all the way down.

Or how about the crazy survivalist.  He has a military style bunker in the middle of nowhere with enough artillery to take over a small country.  Honestly, where did he get the money for that?  The gun collection would rack up and easy $500,000.00.  Do crazy people normally win the jack pot lottery?  He has an elephant gun for pete’s sake.  For some reason though, it does not seem to give much of a kick to him when fired.  Not quite sure why.  Oh, and when asked what kind of fuse he is using for the bombs…”It’s a cannon fuse.  For my cannon.”

Now, maybe my favorite part of the movie is the wedgies.  Bacon starts the movie digging in and fishing one out.  Later, when pulling a fellow survivor to safety, he has her underwear half way up her back.  What a strange aspect to include in the movie.  Almost as strange as the bright purple overalls worn by another survivor.  Would you like some memorable quotes?  Because I would love to give them to you.

1. “Can you fly sucker?!” (Which is funny because in later sequels…they can.)
2. “I want a girl with world class breasts!”  (Look, if you are being sexist, why use the politically correct terminology?)
3. ‘I’m always getting’ the ass-end!”  (Are you Kevin Bacon…are you?)

Let’s talk Graboids.  Like, how can they be so strong and deadly, but, a punch by Kevin Bacon hurts it.  What?  Kevin Bacon is a small man.  How is this possible?  Or how about their explanations for where these creatures came from.  1. Mutated snakes that come into contact with radiation, 2.beings from outer space, 3. and built by the U.S. government to fight the Russians.  Brilliant.  Maybe the most frustrating part of them has little to do with the Graboids themselves, and more to do with the survivors.  There is a female seismologist in the movie, and for some reason; the others keep confusing her profession.  They are constantly asking zoological questions, as if her earthquake research can offer any explanation.  I honestly think that the film makers started to get confused, because half way through the movie, she started answering these questions.  Oh, I almost forgot….Graboid vision…ya, they went there.

So, This is surely on my guilty pleasure list, as I am almost certain it is on many other’s list as well.  However, it is definitely in the bad movie box as well.  I won’t go as far to say that it is a good movie, but it is great in the ways it is terrible.  So, go grab a bowl of popcorn and a drink, sit back and enjoy.

Overall Rating:

Now some quotes from our mouths:

1. Steve “Ah, nerd love at 1^st sight.”

2. Steve “You can taste fatty’s resentment!”

David “It tastes like butter.”

3. Ally   “Anyone else want to vomit due to the amount of team chumminess?”

4. Steve “I should call my pecker ‘circumstance’.”

5. David “What the sheep?!”

6. Steve “Slip her the bacon.”

Excellent week.  I know we hated Teen Wolf Too, but Tremors brought the average right up.  It’s a decent start to what I expect to be a great month.  But, don’t get too excited, there is plenty of Bacon still to come.  And the Coreys haven’t even made an appearance yet.  You know that they will be around!  Until next week.

Thanks for listening chiiiiiildren!

Gremlins All the Way

Finally, Christmas month is over!  Honestly, this has been the worst month so far.  Christmas movies are just a bad idea all around.  At this point, I really have no idea why they get made.  Try to think of as many good Christmas movies, if you can.  Coming up short?  That’s because there are very very few that exist.  That doesn’t stop Hollywood from cranking out a few holiday disasters every year.  Why?  We don’t know.  All we know is that it’s a Christmas miracle that it’s finally over.  We submit for your approval, Gremlins and Jingle All the Way.

Gremlins

Person Responsible: All of the above

Ok, stop before you start.  We know that Gremlins is awesome.  But, it is pretty bad as well.  We needed a replacement due to there not being a rentable copy of Home Alone anywhere.  So we went with Gremlins.  It is a classic, but it is quite goody and cheesy as well.  So, we enjoyed ourselves…but that doesn’t mean we yelled at the screen any less.

This is a heartwarming movie about a father’s Christmas present to his son.  Well, he is an inventor, so he is peddling his wares in the slums of Chinatown.  He finds a curious little animal and basically steals it from an old Chinese man.  The son loves the furry little furby look-a-like, and names him Gizmo.  This gift comes with a few rules though.  1.  Keep him out of the sunlight, or any bright light.  2.  Don’t get him wet.  3.  Don’t feed him after midnight.

Sounds easy enough right?  It should be easy enough, seeing as the son is out of high school.  But alas, he gets Gizmo wet, and it causes him to multiply.  So, one rule…failed.  Well, some of the new Gizmo’s are cunning and actually trick him into feeding them after midnight.  What is the result of this late night snack?  They become demons.  Yep, demons that now are terrorizing the townsfolk.  Wreaking havoc all over town.  Killing, drinking, beating, smoking and looting.

The son tries to fight back and actually manages to take out all of them but the leader.   But, then, in a fit of sheer manliness, he receives a severe beat down at the hands of the lone foot and a half tall Gremlin.  What results is an awkward chase and fight scene in a dept store.  The gremlin attacks him with just about everything you can imagine, this includes a chainsaw and a crossbow bolt to the shoulder.  He is getting completely owned by the Gremlin, until Gizmo steps in.  Or drives in for that matter.  That’s right, Gizmo drives in to save the day in Barbie’s pink corvette and saves the day.

The movie isn’t that bad.  However, there are plenty of moments that make it worthy of Sunday night.

1. In the downtown grungy area of Chinatown, there is a rickshaw that appears to be carrying 3 photo snapping nuns.
2. The Chinese man’s store consists of shrunken heads animals that aren’t for sale, and it is basically located in a basement.  How does he stay in business!?
3. The main character has an amazing white boy 80’s jew-fro.
4. The main character ‘parks’ his car in the middle of the yard.  It makes no sense.
5. The main character also seems about 20ish, with a close friend that sits around 10ish.  How is that normal?  They hang out in his room!  It’s not right!
6. Or how about the old lady in town that seems only content to take the homes from down on their luck families at Christmas time.
7. The neighbor hates things foreign.  Cars, people, TV’s, anything that is not made in the good ole’ USA is not ok with him.
8. Also, the same neighbor tries to drive home drunk…in his tractor.
9. Speaking of drinking, the cops are sitting in the station…drinkin it up, and then they go on patrol.

10.  And if we are talking about cops, we need to mention when their car flips.  It ramps over the back of another car.  When it flips over, you can see the stunt equipment on the bottom of the car for about 15 seconds.  They don’t even try to hide it.

11.  Gremlins, oh how they are killed.  Like in a blender, or a microwave, or a fountain.

12.  After the fuzzy pets go into cocoons to turn into gremlins, the family just goes about their business.  Why would you leave 5 oozing pods unattended in your house?!

13.  Flashing gremlins

14.  Gremlins getting drunk at the bar.

15.  How about them walking in the snow?  If water makes them multiply…then shouldn’t there be an army anytime they walk anywhere?

16.  Judge Reinhold trying to get a girl back to his apt. “Come on.  We’re talking cable!”

Wow.  This movie is a classic…but after putting it all down on paper, it all does sound a bit silly.  But, I guess that’s why it’s a classic.  Bonus points for an awesome Judge Reinhold and Corey Feldman cameos.  In the words of one of the characters:  “While everyone else is opening their gifts, they are opening up their wrists.’

Priceless Christmas sentiment.

Overall Rating:

3 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Jingle All the Way

Person Responsible: David

This is the worst Christmas movie ever.  Ever.  EVER.  This 90 minute journey into pain and suffering stars Arnold and Sinbad.  This movie is all encompassing.  It has fighting over toys, out of control consumerism, bad parenting, man-whoring, abusive santas and of course….a bad father needing to regain the love of his family.

The movie starts of with our hero, Arnold, missing his son’s karate match because he is working late.  Of course this movie has a bad father!  It’s Christmas month!  Honestly, I’m starting to wonder if it is genetically impossible for any male to be a good father around the holidays.  So, anyways, the son hates him for missing the match and the wife is ticked that he broke a promise to their son.  Sound familiar?  It should, in December, this is home.  So, how does Arnold turn it around and win back the affection and respect of his family?  Turn into a snowman?  Santa?  Nope, but by the end of the movie, he is dressed as a super hero and flying around on a jet pack.  But, let’s rewind a bit.

So, the entire movie is about a toy.  Turboman, to be exact.  The most popular Christmas toy ever.  How popular you may ask? Let me tell you how popular.  Turboman has: His own cereal, a TV show, a movie, wrapping paper, a line clothes that includes pajamas, toys, and in the parade, he has his own float complete with Turboman marching band.

Anyways, Arnold’s boy only wants a Turboman action figure for Christmas.  So, being a dad and it being Christmas time, of course Arnold forgot to get one.  The rest of the movie is spent watching him go all over the city looking for one.  Every place he goes has some ridiculous situation after another.  He is either fighting mobs, running across town to a radio station, or chasing a kid with a superball.  And let’s not forget his arch-nemesis, a mailman played by Sinbad.  They are both looking for a Turboman, and the actually get into physical fights along the way.

Speaking of fighting, let’s talk about the rampant and violent consumerism in this movie.  What an awful representation of the holidays.  Men choking old ladies, people fighting over toys, punching, kicking, hitting, tripping, sabotage, greed beyond belief, adulterous neighbors, thieving neighbors, lying disc jockeys, people being trampled, slapped, poked, gouged, ect ect ect.  This makes Christmas awful. This is a family movie.  What family wants their child’s view of Christmas to be like this?  I wouldn’t.

That’s not even taking into effect the santas.  Jim Belushi is a mall santa that takes Arnold back to his ‘workshop’ for a Turboman.  Well, santas ‘workshop’ is actually a warehouse on the docks, and his helpers, are thieves.  Yes, despite the song that they serenade Arnold with, we know the santas to be crooks.  Stealing toys and selling them to desperate parents at 5 times the retail cost.  Exactly what I want a small child’s vision of Santa Clause to be.  And then to top it off, they give him a broken toy.  And then they beat him up when he confronts them about it.  Yes, there is a giant santa vs. Arnold fight.  That is until the cops bust into break up the operation.  Arnold grabs a toy badge and acts mad and claims to be an undercover….and walks away.  A toy badge fools the other officers…seriously.

But, perhaps the most disgusting Christmas moment, took place in the radio station.  Arnold and Sinbad rush to a radio station to answer a question to win a Turboman.  Here is what transpires.  Arnold arrives and answers the question and is denied the Turboman.  At that point, Sinbad bursts in and demands the doll.  The DJ then phones the police, which prompts Sinbad to take drastic measures.  He grabs a package out of his mail bag (that he is for some reason carrying throughout the entire movie) and rant about it being a bomb and that he will blow them all up if he doesn’t get the Turboman.  Well, the DJ hands him a certificate for a Turboman.  Apparently that is all they had, no doll, just a certificate for one when they are back in stock, and apparently the bomb threat was a bluff.  Well, the police arrive and start to take them away, and then Sinbad tries the whole fake bomb package again.  Well, the police freak and Arnold and Sinbad escape.  Then there is a large explosion from the building.  Apparently the second package really was a bomb.  There is then a shot of the officers, they all have ash and soot on their face.  Like a cartoon.  Don’t worry kids, bombs blow up just like in cartoons, you are fine afterwards, even if you are holding it.

So, neither of them get the doll, and somehow, Arnold ends up dressed as Turboman in the parade, and Sinbad ends up dressed as the supervillan.  I know it doesn’t make sense.  Apparently is Arnold is on screen, it doesn’t have to.  Well, there is now a superhero battle going on between them for the last Turboman in the city.  Well boy oh boy does it get out of hand.  Sinbad ends up chasing Arnold’s kid onto a building overhang, leaving him dangling over 10 stories of air.  That seems rational…risk a kid’s life so your own son can have a certain action figure.

How about some quotes:

1. “But Dad, purple is very important to me.”
2. “It’s Turbo time!”
3. “You can’t bench press your way out of this one.”
4. “Maybe your parents should get a divorce.  It did wonders for my Dad.”

And now to my favorite parts of the movie.  At one point, Arnold punches a reindeer.  In the face.  He punches a reindeer in the face.  And then shares a beer with it later.  Turboman has a sidekick.  Booster.  Booster is a bright pink saber toothed tiger.  We think.  Everyone hates Booster.  No one wants to buy his toy, and in one scene a gang of kids attack him screaming about how much they hate him.    And he is played by Booger from revenge of the Nerds.  Nice.  The only good thing about this movie is Phil Hartman.  We miss you Phil.  Otherwise, this movie is all that is evil in the world.  Avoid it at all costs.

Overall Rating:

0 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Now for our quotes of the night:

1. Steve “Yes.  I will have the spirit of Christmas in my butt all year long.”
2. David “How do I get out?  Steve what do I do?!”

Steve “I don’t’ know how to escape the fake toy store!”

1. David “Eggnog to the face!”
2. Ally   “I wish the bomb ‘was’ real and it killed everyone in this movie.”
3. Steve “I wanna know what ‘dis’ is so that I may get the hang of it.”
4. Ally    “Check out banner Turboman!”

So, Christmas month is finally over, and it could not have come a moment too soon.  These have been some of the worst movies to sit through that we have watched.  I cannot wait for January movies.  It’s my birthday month, so I get to pick.  Kevin Bacon/80’s month here we come!!! This is going to be epic.  Super pumped.  Tune in next week for Teen Wolf Too and Tremors!

Thanks for listening chiiiiiildren!!!

Home Improvement Night Needs Improvement

Week three of Christmas movies has come and gone.  I did, however, leave a mark.  More like a nasty scar on our minds.  This week was Home Improvement week.  That’s right kids, Tim Allen and Jonathan Taylor Thomas + Christmas.  Obviously, you know what comes next.  We submit for your approval, I’ll be Home for Christmas and The Santa Clause.

I’ll be Home for Christmas

Person Responsible: Ally

Ah, teen Christmas movies.  Well, college actually.  Who cares if JTT is four feet tall and doesn’t look a day over seventeen?  Who cares if the “college” looks and functions like a high school?    So what if JTT’s character is a watered down Zach Morris?  Who cares?  Disney is going to make it work!!

This movie is all about Jake (JTT) trying to get home for Christmas dinner.  From California to New York by 6:00 for dinner.  Why?  Family, holidays, Christmas?  Nope.  His Dad promised to give him the Porsche if he made it on time.  How sweet.  Well, all is lost when some angry jocks knock him out and enact a bit of revenge.  And by revenge, I mean the glue a Santa suit and beard on him and drop him in the middle of the desert.  Now, that seems a bit harsh, even for fake college frat boys.

The rest of the movie is a blur of unbelievable event after unbelievable event, all that hinder Jake’s plan to get home in time.  And, I gotta’ tell you, all of his misfortune just makes me want to sing about it!

On the 12^th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…

-         JTT stealing a parade Santa’s sleigh.

-         11 homeless Santas

-         10 Santas crying

-           9 Hit by a van

-           8 Cops a wooing

-           7 Self-righteous girlfriends

-           6 Singing grannys

-           5 Hasselhoff’s son from Baywatch

-           4 Santas 5k running

-           3 Cross country waling

-           2 Glued on Santa suits

-           And stolen gifts given to kids by JTT…

Thank you.  Now, there were other, less song worthy, tidbits that were equally disappointing.  Most notably, the fast and sudden changes.  Such as, Jake standing in the desert in the rain, and then, within a second….snow.  Who knew that the weather could change so fast in the California desert?  Or the sudden change in feelings.  Jake and the jerk trying to steal his girlfriend hate each other for the entire movie.  And then, faster than the rain turns to snow, best friends.  That doesn’t last for more than a minute before they hate each other again.  Like a couple of grade school girls.

In the end, he makes it to his house in time, but in a change of conscience, waits outside until after 6:00.  A change of heart and the Christmas movie is now complete.  He doesn’t get the car, but he gets his family, and the girl.  Simply heart warming.  Let’s end this.  Quote time!

1. “You’re a genuine butthole.”
2. “I’m a millennial kind of guy.”
3. Why doesn’t every restaurant serve all meals in a skillet like at Denny’s?”
4. “Let this puppy rip, bro!”

Don’t watch this movie.  Don’t let your friends watch this movie.  Call Jonathan Taylor Thomas and scold him.  We leave I’ll be Home for Christmas with a beautiful quote from one of the movie’s more memorable characters, the mentally slow thief:

“Wait!  Mrs. Clause with another man?!  Stepping out on Santa, and letting another man down the chimney?!”

Overall Rating:

1 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

The Santa Clause

Person Responsible: David

Tim ‘the tool man’ Taylor takes off the tool belt and dons Santa’s suit in this turd.  Original, maybe.  Good, absolutely not.  This movie is just a sugar fest.  Fun little humor that has been recycled 20 times over the years, and a plot that is just plain not entertaining.  Well, it was when I was little, but now I see how stupid I truly was.

Tim Allen plays Scott Calvin, a work-a-holic that is also a terrible father to his one son.  Sound familiar?  It really should.  Apparently, all of the terrible dads come out to play around the holidays.  Come out to play and to turn into snowmen or Santa so that their children will like them again.  Seriously, when are dads going to realize?  If you are a bad father and it is the holiday season, you better look out, a magic suit or harmonica is going to turn you into something that you don’t want to be.

So, work-a-holic dad ruins Christmas, Christmas dinner, and then manages to scare Santa off of a roof.  Yep, Scott Calvin causes Santa to fall off of a roof and die.  Yes, it’s a family movie and Santa dies.  Merry Christmas from Disney!  So, Scott puts on the suit and makes the rest of the night’s deliveries begrudgingly.  Little did he know that by putting on the suit, he entered into a binding contract to be the new Santa.  So, now we have Scott trying to deny the fact that he is Santa, and his ex wife thinking he is crazy and unfit to father their son because of it.

After a little time, and a lot of convincing by his son, Scott accepts his fate and embraces the role.  So, now it’s Christmas night and he is getting ready for his premier.  How does he do that?  By kidnapping his son and taking him to the North Pole to help.  It’s good to see that the whole Santa thing is making him a better father.  So, when he is making the deliveries, he is arrested….in front of a large group of little children.  What parent brings their kid outside to watch Santa gets arrested?!  And yes, if you are paying attention, Santa dies and gets arrested in this family film.  Again children, Merry Christmas from Disney.  All ends well when everyone realizes that he isn’t crazy and he really is the new Santa.  Now, let me give you a few reasons why this movie is not ok.

1. The quote “Santa is a state of mind.”
2. Scott’s turkey was on fire.  So much so, that to achieve flames like that, he would have had to soak the bird in gasoline before cooking.
3. They go to Denny’s and their waitress is in clean clothes and has all of her teeth.
4. When Santa falls off of the roof, the snow separates into perfect sheets.  Almost as if it were placed there.
5. The Disney channel is mentioned in this Disney movie.  Nice shameless self plug.
6. Scott mentions the 60’s and not remembering much of them.  What parent references their drug use to their 7 year old?!
7. If a house doesn’t have a chimney, no problem!  Santa’s magic makes on appear!
8. Santa unpacked a giant kayak.   Good for humor purposes.  Not for reality though.  What little kid asks Santa for a huge kayak?
9. More than once Tim Allen does the Home Improvement grunt, and actually puts on a little toy tool belt.
10. Random Jeopardy music when people are waiting.
11. A doctor listens to his heartbeat…it plays jingle bells.  The doctor doesn’t seem to care that his heart plays jingle bells.  Seriously, that doesn’t sound healthy.
12. While they are walking to the sleigh, there is music playing.  They all do a few dance moves in unison.  Really?
13. Judge Reinhold blowing on an Oscar Meyer weenie whistle.

I don’t know what to think about this movie.  It could have been good.  Maybe.  But it really wasn’t.  I shudder to think of what the TWO sequels are like.  I don’t want to know.  And I hope and pray that bad movie night will never make us find out.

Overall Rating:

1 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

So, week three down.  Not good.  Better than the first two weeks, but still not as painless as we hoped.  This next week will be the last Christmas week.  And it is going to be a big one.  Home Alone 2 and Jingle all the Way.  Oh, ya, that’s right.  Two of the worst Christmas movies ever made.  Until next time kiddos, merry Christmas!

Thanks for listening chiiiiillldren!!!

Slaying the Christmas Spirit

Christmas, week two.  No better that week one.  Seriously, this month sucks.  It must be a prerequisite for Christmas movies to have unintelligent plots and mostly brain dead characters.  Honestly, not one interesting character in the whole lot.  I’ll just say it, these two movies are terrible.  We submit for your approval, Jack Frost and Santa’s Slay.

Jack Frost

Person Responsible: Ally

So, this is the second Jack Frost in as many weeks, and this one did not fair any better than the last.  Among the most obvious problems with the movie, 2 tend to rise above;  Michael Keaton is a rock star…and then he is reincarnated as a snowman.  And as a rock star dad, he has ear rings, and it is awkward.  Actually, this whole movie is awkward.

Here we go!  It’s a heartfelt little story about a dad’s second chance at fatherhood…after death…as a snowman.  It’s a very simple plot really.  We have this kid that is a bit of a whiner and we have this  dad.  This dad that is a rock star and a bit absent as a father…but not really.  Dad puts his career on hold to drive home and have Christmas with the family.  Well, he wrecks and dies on the way.  Now flash forward to a YEAR later, where he comes to life again as a snowman.  How you might ask?  With the help of a magical harmonica.  He reconciles with the son, and the movie ends.  Simple, right?  Wrong.  Let’s see why.

First off, the character’s real name is Jack Frost.  Why can screen writers not be more inventive?  When he turns into a snowman, he is surprisingly calm about it.  Confused, but calm.  On to the child…  What a baby.  He is pissed because his Dad missed one hockey game due to touring and recording.  Pipe down kid!  My Dad missed 13 or so birthdays and you don’t see me tootin’ on a magic harmonica.  And another thing,  the dad missed his team getting slaughtered.  Is that such a bad thing?  The kid sucks.  The Mom actually used this line on Dad: “Some day, he is going to score his first goal, and you won’t be there to see it!”  He hasn’t even scored one goal?  Ya, what kid doesn’t want their father present at their embarrassing display of failing massively at sports?  Shut up kid.  Of course, his report card only had an ‘A’ for ‘effort’, so maybe we shouldn’t expect so much.  No, seriously, that was in the movie, in fact, last semester, he got a ‘B’ for effort.

Random list of idiotic things from the movie?  Sure:

1. Henry Rollins is in this movie, and that made all of us sad.
2. There were more badly made backdrops than we could count.  Seriously, you needed one of a street?  Just shoot on a street!
3. After his Dad dies, the school bully makes fun of him about it.  Who does that?  I know bullies can be mean, but that seems excessive.  “Ha, Ha.  Your Dad’s dead.”  Ouch
4. Michael Keaton’s dog pulls him in a sled.  I could hold the dog in one hand.  Something does not compute.
5. Michael Keaton says, in reference to seeing his wife for the first time since his death: “You look so….great.”  Nice one Romeo.
6. “But dad?  But dad?  Did you just call me  butt dad?  Because wouldn’t that make you Butt Boy?”
7. “That’s the coldest wedgie I have ever had.”  Which brings up the question…why would a snowman wear underwear?
8. “I’m the wizard of blizzard!”
9. “Well, snow dad’s better than no dad.”  …Is it?!  Is it really?!

10.  As the snowman, dad kisses the kid on the head.  Well, it’s a puppet…so         it just appears that good ol’ Dad is eating his son’s hair.

11.  All of the completely inappropriate innuendo in front of the son.                     There were so many dirty lines.

This movie can be summed up with two things. A magic harmonica, and a neglectful Dad, that wasn’t neglectful at all. (We took a vote and decided he was actually a very good dad.)  Oh, and the tag line says it all, “Ice guys finish first.”  Not really relevant to the movie at all, except the ice part.  But a nice sentiment none the less.

Overall Rating:

1 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Santa’s Slay

Person Responsible: Steve

My goodness, what a movie.  It is about a killer Santa…and so much more.  I really really hated this movie.  It stars Bill Goldberg, who is a wrestler.  A wrestler, playing a killer Santa.  Yep, that sounds like Oscar material.

It all takes place in Hell Township.  Seriously, that’s the town’s name.  People need to stop living in creepy named towns.  There is always a massacre.  Anyways, Santa decides to go on a killing spree.  Don’t worry about why, I’ll get to that later.  Back to the plot summary.  Wait, that was it.  Santa on a killing spree.

Now there were some special moments.  Such as a man being slaughtered by a big Santa on the streets, all the while other citizens went about their normal business.  Or maybe the freshly hunted wolverine given as a present.  Or the double barreled, sawed off shot gun that for some reason had a scope.  Or my favorite, the main character (a 16 year old guy) hears about a murder on the police scanner and darts to his bike.  Somehow, he beats all of the police there.  How about the strange flashback that is shot entirely in stop animation.    But, honestly, that is not what I want to talk about.  It’s Santa that I want to talk about.

Yes, Santa…or should I say Satan?  Well, at least his son.  Yep, that’s who he is.  Santa is actually Satan’s son.  Apparently, he used to go on killing sprees every year on December 25^th.  To counteract this, people started having a special mass for Christ that day.  A Christ-mass.  And now we know the true origin of Christmas.  You are welcome.  So, how did he go from killing people en mass to Jolly St. Nick and back?  He lost a bet to an angel.  When he lost this bet, he was forced to be nice and spread cheer for 1000 years.  And now the time is up.  What was the bet over you ask?  Well, they wagered on a game of curling.  But not just any game of curling.  A game of curling that is played between the angel and Santa.  A game of curling that is recounted through a stop animation flashback.  That’s enough for this story line.

Let’s talk about Santa’s powers.  That’s right…his powers.  Like his super strength, or his ability to light coal on fire by blowing on it.  He also has present bombs and a rocket powered sleigh that is pulled by a yak.  And what a wardrobe.  He changes around 6 or 7 times.  However, maybe his greatest asset in the fight against the holidays would be the fireballs that he is able to shoot out of his mouth.  Now, that’s just stupid.

How about some quotes?

1. “Dear Lord, thank you for not making us poor or Samoan.”
2. Said to a girl by a guy:  “Well, you kiss like a guy.”
3. “Listen half-a-fag, I will shove this fork in your eye.”
4. “I’m as happy as a make a wish kid.”

Now, this is a classic example of ‘this had no reason to be made.’  It was a shameless excuse to have some blood an a few topless women in a movie.  So much profanity for no reason at all.  There was a strip club so that there could be nudity.  There were lots of violent killings so that it could be bloody.  And it had people cussing for absolutely no reason whatsoever.  So, basically, this movie had no redeeming value what so ever.  For shame Bill Goldberg, for shame.

Overall Rating:

2 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

And for our quotes of the night:

1. Steve: “You’re in it now Jack!”

2. David: “You are hoarding the cheese, you cheese hoarder!”

3.David: “What the hell did that kid use for an eyebrow on a snowman?”

Steve:  “CGI?”

This week did no good in restoring my faith in bad Christmas movie month.  The further we get into this month, the harder it is to think of any ‘good’ Christmas movies.  I know there are a few, but they seem to slip my mind while watching this crap.  This month needs to gain some momentum.  It seems the movies are getting worse.  And that is not a good thing.  It is actually a very very bad thing.  I barely want to continue this month.  But we shall, because that is what we do.  For better or for worse…undoubtedly it’s going to be for worse.  Until next week,

Thanks for listening chiiiiilllldren!

Surviving Surviving Christmas

Ah, Christmas time.  Presents, family, snow…and some seriously terrible holiday movies.  This week was a slight let down.  We had planned on stating the month with a double dose of Jack Frost, however, someone had already rented the Michael Keaton Jack Frost.  So, we had to improvise.  Or should I say we had to sacrifice.  Unfortunately,  we submit for your approval, Jack Frost and Surviving Christmas.

Jack Frost

Person Responsible: Steve

Oh my my my.  What a movie.  A horror movie about a killer snowman.  No, a comedy about a killer snowman.  No, a slasher about a killer snowman.  No, how about a movie about a killer snowman, made by someone that was not quite sure what genre they were going for.  Ya, that’s a bit more accurate.

This movie starts out with a voice over of a creepy sounding uncle telling his even creepier sounding niece a bedtime story.  A bedtime story about a mass murdering psychopath.  Wait, what?  Seriously?  Someone call this kid’s parents.  Worst uncle ever!  Of course, if my niece sounded like this one, I would want her to have nightmares too.  Honestly, this kid’s voice sounded like a demonic elf.  How much can it cost to hire an actual kid to read a few lines off screen?

Anyway, so this killer, Jack Frost, is being transported to his execution site.  And to brighten up the mood a little, the prisoner transport is decorated for Christmas.  How festive.  Merry Christmas…you’re gonna die.  Well, due to icy roads, the transport crashes into a genetic materials truck.  Now Jack Frost is covered in genetic acid.  No, I don’t know what genetic acid is either.  So, now Jack’s DNA melds with the snow he landed in and turns into a giant, super strong, killer snowman…obviously.

So, what does a newly freed half snowman half serial killer do with his downtime?  Go to the hometown of the cop that busted you and start the killin’!  Yes, the sleepy little town of Snowmanton.  Seriously, that’s what the writer’s came up with.  What commences is a killing spree of ridiculous proportions.  A sled decapitates a boy, Jack Frost backs a cop’s car over the cop, jagged pieces of ice through the brain, face smashed into glass Christmas ornaments and then the dead body attached to the tree with Christmas lights, and an axe handle is shoved down a guy’s throat.  You get the idea.

Finally, a government agent and a scientist from the genetics company come to save the day.    Kind of.  They really offer no help at all.  One of them does have a great beard though.  As far as worthless characters go…it doesn’t get more useless.  Regardless of usefulness, they team up with the local sheriff and devise a plan.  They force Jack Frost into a giant furnace.  How do they force a giant killer snowman?  Blow dryers of course.  He melts in the furnace, but tricky as he is, he condenses on the windows and saves himself by doing something special.  Something special…and something that had not been done or even hinted at in the rest of the movie.  He sucks up into the scientist and controls the scientist’s body and walks back outside.  The scientist then vomits snow (which looks like shaving cream) all over the ground until the snow forms back into Jack.

So, how can they possibly expect to kill such a terror?  Anti-freeze.  Yes, you heard me right, anti-freeze.  I’m not going to talk about it.  I don’t want to and you can’t make me.  However, I do want to talk about the sheriff’s son.  The sheriff’s little, loves to bake, may be mentally handicapped son.  Our introduction to this boy is when he is driven past a car wreck.  His reaction?  “Touch my finger, touch my knee, thank the Lord it was not me.”  What a freakin’ rude little kid!  What else you may ask?  Well, he made his Dad’s lunch one day.  Forget the fact that it roughly looked like mud with marshmallows stuck in it.  Other than the look of it, the kid put anti-freeze in it so his Dad wouldn’t get cold.  Adorable.  But his shining moment was in the kitchen.  It was quote…a glorious quote.  His mother walked into the kitchen to find him making cookies, and huge mess.  He holds up a cookie and brainlessly exclaims “Look, I made special!”  Indeed.

Awful movie, avoid it as best you can.  I do also believe that they made a sequel.  Here are some of the highlights, or lowlights;

1. Jack turns into a skeleton before a snowman.  While he is skeletal, you can see the string that is moving him around.
2. There is a brief animated scene where Jack’s DNA and cells are being changed by the acid.  Not CGI…animated.
3. There is a bloody patch of snow from one of the murders   A cop tries to cove it up by kicking other snow on top of it.
4. Snowman vision.  Much like snake vision, except with frosty edges on the screen.
5. A teenage girl is blow-drying her hair.  After she is done, she takes a bath and washes her hair….what?
6. Jack Frost rapes her.  That’s right, snowman rape…we think.  It was kind of hard to tell.
7. After the anti-freeze bath kills Jack, the kid finds Jack’s arm and picks it up and gets attacked by it.  So the Dad grabs the kid and the arm and dunks them both in the anti-freeze.  He’s like a bully at the community pool.
8. Jack Frost “I’m made in America!”
9. “What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?  Snowballs.”

10.  “Great!  That’s all we need.  The catcher’s mitt killer!”

Overall Rating:

2 Out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Surviving Christmas

Person responsible: Family Video (a wonderful place, the only place we will rent actually.)

This was not our choice.  Apparently there was a run on every other Christmas movie in our Family Video.  Very upsetting.  Well, for those of you that don’t know, this is a Ben Afcrap movie.  And a bad one at that.  His acting is so over the top terrible in this movie that he makes Jim Carrey look like Marlon Brando.  The movie is about a rich 30 something gets dumped by his girlfriend at Christmas and starts with the lonlies.  He decides the best way to fix this is by going to his childhood home and regaining that Christmas magic.  Of course a different family now inhabits the home.  Well, they are not too keen on the whole situation, so…he offers them 250 thousand dollars to spend Christmas with them.  Yep, that’s the plot.  That’s all of it.  So, they draft a contract and the movie is off!  We get a few cutesy moments, like when he looks at the tree outside and finds his name carved into it.  Of course you can tell that it is CGI, so no trees were harmed in the making of this movie.  He breaks the banister trying to slide down it like when he was a kid.  So the Dad uses duck tape to fix it.

Everything was going ok until the daughter showed up.  She refused to go along and was mean and cranky and plot changing.    She screws everything up and hates him.  Until five minutes later when they like each other.  Ya, it’s one of those movies.  They of course end up together at the end of the movie.  Ya, happily ever after with a crazy person that almost ruined her family.  That’s every girl’s dream.

The movie’s conflict, other than the plot, is towards the end of the movie.  Afcrap’s girlfriend decides she wants him back and shows up at the house to meet his family.  Of course he tries to lie and have her and her parents believe that this is his actual family.  And of course it blows up in his face.  Have I mentioned that I hate this movie?

Let’s go over some of our favorite parts.  And of course when I say favorite parts, I mean the parts that made us lose faith in humanity.  Like the opening montage.  I don’t even know what to say about it.  It was just a big mess of random clips.  We have no idea what they were going for.  Or the scene where Afcrap makes the Dad sing Oh Christmas Tree, which he does. Sounds normal, right?  Wrong, and let me tell you why.  Except for the fact that the Dad is not a fan of Christmas.  Why would he know the words to Oh Christmas Tree?!  I don’t know them!  Unless you sing in a choir or for a living, I don’t think you actually know the words past “Oh Christmas Tree Oh Christmas Tree, how lovely are thy branches.”  Pisses me off.

Or how about the worst part of the movie?  The main character.  He is so over the top and stupidly written that it hurts my teeth.  He pays a family an increasingly crazy amount of money to be part of their family for the holidays.  And the thing is, it’s not in a cute way.  It’s in a holy crap that guy is crazy, I don’t care how much he is paying; get him the heck out of my house kind of way.  His character really is creepy.  He makes them call him son, and calls them Mom and Dad.  He gives the family scripts to use..  Honestly, it was altogether disturbing. Now some quotes so that I may be done with this crapburger forever.

1. “Is he black?”
2. “It’s my wife, on my son’s  computer, shooting a V for victory with her legs.”
3. And maybe the quote to sum up the movie  “I can smell my eyes burning.”

Overall Rating:

1 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Horribly written, with one of the worst scripts that we have ever seen, this movie is only a hair above Transmorphers.  I don’t really know what else to say except this movie sucked.  It was an embarrassment, and should be burned on site. No redeeming qualities at all.  Not one.  Now, in the spirit of Sunday night bad movie nights, all of the movies are bad, but at least have some entertainment value.  This had none.  Not one bit.  Interesting side note,  this was Steve’s 3^rd time to see it.

Now on to our quotes of the night:

1. Ally:   “Wait.  Was that a goat?”
2. Steve: “That was definitely a whipping sound…”
3. Steve: “You don’t touch another man’s salami.”
4. Steve: “Who drive car!?!?” David: “Snowman drive car!!!”Steve:  “Oh No!  How can this be!!!?”
5. In reference to what the Mom’s response should have been to the kid saying “Look, I made special!”…..David: “Yes, dear.  So did your Father and I.”

So, week one of Christmas movies is over.  So not cool.  However, we did make a box for all of the bad movies. This is good, because I don’t want anyone thinking that those movies are in my normal collection.  We are only one week in on this month and I am ready for the next month.  Hopefully it will get better as we go along.  Doubtful, but who knows, maybe there will be a Christmas miracle…..Until next  week,

Thanks for listening   chiiiiiiilllllldren!

Silent But Deadly

So…the final night of Bruce/Luke month.  And what a good night it was.  A good night, which does not happen very often on Sunday nights.  We had waited a very long time for these movies.  So, without any further ado, we submit for your approval, Army of Darkness and Silent Venom.

Army of Darkness

Person responsible: Steve

Now, I realize that this movie does not meet the normal Sunday night qualifications.  Yes, it’s entertaining, and yes we did actually enjoy ourselves.  However, cult classic or not, it is a B-movie. It is bad, even if it is in the best possible way.  So, before I get yelled at, try to realize that it is a cheesy movie, and it does have some very bad mistakes.  That being said, yes we did pick it as a bit of a treat for ourselves after the terrible, terrible things we have endured this month.

The story?  Well, not that it is too important for you to know, but it’s basically a Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s court…..with evil skeletons.  Ash(Bruce) is sucked into the middle ages while battling an evil awakened by the Book of the Dead.  Well, you can imagine that a brash, smart mouthed retail worker from the future does not meld well with the knights of the round.  He does in fact deck a King Arthur with a sweet medieval mullet.  He wows them with his shotgun and chainsaw, and he confuses them with his modern speech.  What is the obvious choice?  Send him on a quest of course!

For Ash to return to his own time, he needs to retrieve the book of the dead.  No, not the one from his time, the one from this time.  Conveniently, the residents of the castle also need the book for their own intents and purposes.  So, Ash travels forth into the cruel world armed only with his chainsaw, his shotgun and the words to speak when picking up the book of the dead.  “Klatu Verrata Neckto.”

Well, he hits a few bumps along the way.  Bumps like an army of little Ash’s attacking him Gulliver’s Travels style.  Or the evil twin that pops up and mocks him.  However, he powers through the adversity and eventually retrieves the book of the dead.  Remember those special words I mentioned earlier?  Well, Ash did not.  And in not remembering the words, he awoke an army of the dead led by the evil twin he killed.

The dead army marches on the castle and Ash rises as the leader and they eventually defeat the deadites.  Ash is sent back to his own time, and all is well with the world.  Now, you might be asking yourself why this movie qualifies for b-movie night.  I have mentioned some goofy moments, but nothing terrible.  Well, here are some of the beautiful moments from the movie that made us feel justified by watching something that we actually enjoy.

1. When Ash is first dropped out of the sky into the middle ages, he lands hard….on a landing mat.
2. Later in the movie, he shoots evil Ash in the face.  The force from the blast knocks evil Ash into a tree.  The tree moves upon impact….moves a lot.
3. Ash loses his hand in Evil Dead 2 and has a stub in Army of Darkness.  He is being led in stocks to the castle.  The stub is in the socks.  Wouldn’t he be able to just slip that right out?
4. Ash is being chased by the “evil.”  It goes over water, down hills, and even splits trees in half on its way.  However, when Ash runs in a windmill and closes the wooden door…it can not get in.  Can not open it, can not break it down.  Splits trees in half, but not a door.
5. Ash has on about 4 different shoes during the movie.  In Evil Dead 2 he had on more of a house shoe, in the beginning of Army of Darkness, he has on a hiking shoe.  Then moves on to a boot about 1 minute later, back to the hiking shoe and so on and so forth for the entire movie.
6. The deadites are all wearing helmets during the castle attack.  These helmets are from all sorts of time periods, there are Chinese, Japanese, knight helmets, World War 2.  Wait, world war two happened after the middle ages…..right?
7. Oh Ash, you and your refusal to adhere to the realm of believability when it comes to your shotgun.  You have a double barreled shotgun.  There is no pump action, why do you insist on constantly having a “cocking” noise coming from the gun.  Also, it is a “double barreled” shotgun.  Not a triple barreled or a quad barreled.  That may sound awesome, but stop shooting 3 or 4 shots before reloading.  It’s not possible.

So, there you have it…justification.  The movie deserves to be on Sunday night as much as it deserves the top rating.  It has awful moments and stupid mistakes.  Did we cheat a little and watch a movie that we all knew we would like?  Yes.  But hey, we deserve it at this point.

Overall Rating:

5 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Silent Venom

Person responsible: David

Ally and I found this movie at Walmart about 2 months ago, and have been counting down the weekends until we got to watch it.  It stars Luke Perry as a submarine captain who is about to retire.  Ya, retire.  He looks old enough for a retirement after 20 years as a submarine captain, right?  Not so much? Well, it’s about as believable as him playing a tough as nails wealth of experience and knowledge submarine captain.

He is commissioned to take an old US sub to the third world country that we are selling it to.  Well, of course during all of this he has to rescue a few scientists that are trapped in the middle of a Chinese military drill.  What kind of scientists you ask?  Why radioactive venomous snake scientists of course.  Well, long story made short, the snakes get out and start biting people.   So now they have to survive the snakes while staying under the radar (or in this case under the sonar) or the Chinese fleet.  So, yes, it is in essence…snakes on a submarine.

This movie was awesome.  There was so much wrong with this movie, but it didn’t even matter.  So much fun.  Let’s start with the submarine.  Well, it had tile floors and wooden baseboards.  Didn’t quite make sense on a submarine.  Also, it was seemingly the smallest submarine ever built.  It appears to be comprised solely of an engine room, two hallways, a deck, two crew quarter rooms, and a torpedo room.   Or the crew that had small black nametags with white lettering for their names.  I seriously looked like a name tag from some little diner.  Or the sad realization that Luke Perry’s second in command is Mr. Turner from Boy Meets World.

The snakes….oh dear Lord, the snakes.  Second worst CGI snake that we have seen on Sundays.  The two, radioactive, venomous, rapidly growing rattle snakes that look nothing like rattle snakes.  They almost looked like cartoons.  Or how about the fact that most of the snakes in fact are non venomous.  If you are going to CGI some snakes, at least make them venomous.  Or the fact that their eyes glow.  Not shine or gleam in the light….glow.  Come on!

Or how about the two favorite snake facts of the night?

1.  When the snakes first got loose, we find out that there are 22 on board.  However….they are everywhere.  Honestly, if we were to give a conservative estimate of how many snakes were on the ship…it would be triple digits.  There would be 10 crawling around in the hall, and then 2 minutes later, there would be 8 in the torpedo room, but don’t forget the seven that are in the kitchen, or the 9 in the control room, or the 12 in  the engine room, or the 5 in the bunks.  Interestingly enough…they never showed up in the medical room.  Apparently one bite was enough.

2. A rubber snake.  Yes, you heard me.  There is a scene where there are snakes crawling all over the floor and the crew has to get across.  Well, one of the snakes appears to be a bit too bright of a green and a bit on the lethargic side.  Well, that’s because it is a run of the mill toy rubber snake.  Simply brilliant.

How about some quotes?!

1. I don’t know, I just got out of submarine school.”
2. Beware, there are highly venomous snakes on the ship.  There bite is toxic.”
3. It’s an island.  I don’t know what to expect on an island.”

Now, the best part of this movie was Luke Perry.  He ran face first into a ladder and got a bloody nose.  He beat a snake with a phone.  Later he beat a different snake with a clipboard and threw his gun at it.  And there are countless other moments or lines that I won’t put in here because you just have to see them. This honestly is one of the most fun to watch movies we have had.  And my personal favorite so far.

Overall Rating:

4 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Quotes from us for the night:

Steve:  “I just wanna say….booblight.”

Steve:  “How would you like to poop out a little me?”

Ally:    “Wait, a little you, or a little me?”

Steve:  “I like Water world.’

Steve:  “Snakes in a condo.”

Ally:  “Snakes in a timeshare.”

David: “Snakes in a nursing home.”

So, as previously stated, this past Sunday was outstanding.  Arguably the best night so far.  We were very ready to be rid of Bruce/Luke month, but admitting, it was a great way to end the month.  Now, on into December and bad Christmas movies.  This is going to suck so bad.  Seriously, I get a bit depressed looking at the outline for the December movies.  Buckle up kiddies.

Thanks for listening chiiiiildreeeeen!

I Wish These Movies Could Transmorph Into Good Movies

Week 4 of Bruce/Luke month is in the bag.  If it is still in that bag, someone needs to beat it mercilessly.  We made a little change last night into the normal lineup.  We didn’t have a Luke Perry movie for last night, but earlier in the week, we came into a copy of a movie that we had watched previews of before.  A movie that could not be anything but terrible.  Transmorphers.  Yes…that’s right, a mock-buster.  We found it, and watched it, and it was a mistake, a very big mistake.  Not to say the Bruce Campbell movie wasn’t a mistake…because it was.  It was a bad night.  So, we submit for your approval, The Man with the Screaming Brain, and Transmorphers.

Man with the Screaming Brain

Person Responsible: Steve takes all the blame

Written by: Bruce Campbell.  Starring:  Bruce Campbell.  Directed by:  Bruce Campbell.  Now, as anyone would no doubt assume, this is a very bad thing.  And they would be right.  Words fail in this situation.  The plot? (If there is one)  A businessman is in Bulgaria, and he gets killed by a gypsy woman, and his cab driver also gets killed by the same gypsy woman.  Bruce Campbell’s character is hit in the head with a pipe and the cabbie is shot.  Well, they transfer part of the cabbie’s undamaged brain into Bruce Campbell’s undamaged body.  So now, there are two people in the same body, both of whom want to seek revenge on the same person.

Did I forget to mention Campbell’s wife?  His wife that cheated on him with the cabbie while Bruce was in a meeting?  Ya, she went to take revenge on the gypsy, and she was killed as well.  And then her brain was put into a robot woman.  That’s right, a robot woman.  An of course she is now hell bent on revenge as well.  So now, we have three brains in two bodies, one of which is robotic, seeking revenge on one gypsy woman in a wedding dress.  Everybody still with me?  Good.

So, they end up getting their revenge, but the gypsy kills the wife…again.  Yes, she stabbed her in the robot brain.  So, the closing scene of the movie has Bruce Campbell, still with two people in his brain, but functioning well in society now.  And his wife, who’s brain has been transported into a new body.  Whose body you ask?  Why the gypsy’s body of course!  My Lord what a bad movie.

How about a list of the highlights?

1. The knife that the gypsy kept using was very obviously fake.  The kind you buy as a kid.  It has the blade that slides back into the handle.  If you slow it down, you can actually see this process.
2. The gypsy woman has a mouth twitch.  And when I say a mouth twitch, I mean her mouth twitches uncontrollably and likens her to a small rodent.
3. When the wife dies, all of the gypsy’s come out to loot.  So racist.
4. The gun that the gypsy woman uses….it does not have a silencer.  However, it’s sound does.  Amazing.
5. Bruce Campbell steals a vespa, and wrecks it.  After he walks away, it blows up.  And when I say blows up, I mean a firecracker goes off.  Yes, what appears to be a blackcat or m-80 goes off on top of the vespa…and that’s it.
6. Random scenes of a CGI brain.  No other CGI work in the movie.
7. When the two brains are in Bruce’s head, the cabbies voice talks to him.  But, it echoes like a lame interior monologue.
8. There was a science lab.  And it was bad.  Apparently the budget ran out before they made it.  It consisted of a series of strategically placed bookcases and sheets.  These covered up what I can only guess is a studio apartment.
9. Bruce went to what appeared to be a fancy restaurant.  Fancy until the “salad bar.”  The salad bar literally consisted of a little table with a white table cloth.  On top of which was place about six medium sized bowls half full of random chopped vegetables. None of which had anything to do with salad.  No lettuce, no tomatoes.

10. Death=Love.  We now know it to be true.  Anytime someone died in the movie, there was this sentiment that was absent before.  Cheaters, killers, it didn’t matter, all are forgiven and mourned when they are dying.

11. “I didn’t know Americans smoked.”

12. “You stole the car that I stole you freak!”

13. Son of a goat!”

This movie was bad.  Not good bad at all.  It was just awful.  It had a few funny parts and that was about the only good thing that I could say about this crapburger.  I think Steve put it best when he talked about this movie.  “You know, Bruce Campbell ranted online for 6 years to make this movie, and he finally got his chance.  I’ve heard it said that everyone on this planet has a story to tell.  And if this is Bruce Campbell’s story, I am very, very sad for him.”

Overall rating:

1 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Transmorphers

Person responsible: David & Ally

This is a movie that we have looked for months to find.  We saw a preview of it on the Poseidon Adventure.  Yes, it is a mock-buster.  A cheap rip off of a big budget blockbuster movie.  Obviously it is Transformers that they are riffing on.  How bad could this be?  Extremely as a matter of fact.

I won’t even go into the story line for two reasons.  First, it is completely unimportant.  Second, it made absolutely no sense!   Not a bit.  All three of us watched that movie, and not one of us can come up with a valid explanation as to what happened.  It was the biggest mess of a movie that I have ever seen.  Nothing made sense, the acting was terrible, it had some of the creepiest looking actresses I have ever seen, the production value was embarrassing, and the dialogue was even more confusing than the plot.

Let’s start off with the directing.  Random shots in split screen does not make the movie good.  And if splitting it into two screens doesn’t make it good, three is not going to help either.  There was more than one time where out of nowhere the movie went to split screen set up…but there was only one screen.  So basically, for 15 seconds, we just had to watch everything on a smaller ratio.  The voices…oh my, the voices.  It was like watching a kung fu movie.  None of the movies matched up with the actor’s mouth.  And this was not a translated and dubbed movie.  These are American actors speaking English.  How could this happen?  Sloppiness?  Laziness?  Or just good ole’ fashion bad filmmaking?  You tell me.  Whatever way you slice it, it was hard to focus on anything because words were spoken when mouths weren’t moving and vice versa.  Even better, apparently some dialogue was left on the cutting room floor, and there would be a 20 second conversation between two people and there would be no audible dialogue.

The uniforms that these military officers wear are equally lazy.  Leather jackets and what appear to be welding goggles.  And bad hair.  Also, there is a scene where there are some new recruits standing at “attention.”  However, not one of them is standing the same.  Arms behind the back, arms at their sides, at ease, hands open, hands made into fists.  No big deal, it’s just a stance I guess.

How about the technology?  They have this spanning underground city that rivals Cloud City from Star Wars. Yet, their radar looks like a nice game of Galaga.  Endless technology and they are looking at blips and bleeps of triangles and circles.   Or their guns that seem to be firing roman candles at the robots.  Or static balls.  Not really sure what they are firing, but whatever they were, they did not look powerful at all.    This was evident by the lack of damage on the Transmorphers.

And of course, everyone’s favorite foul up in the movie:  the gun fights.  Obviously, in this kind of movie, there will be lots of high tech gun play.  Except in this movie…the guns seemed to not be working.  At the first of the movie, when someone fired a weapon, you saw and heard the discharge.  However, after the first 15 minutes, that was no longer so.  People would be making the movement of the gun firing, but there would be no sound or discharge.  Also, more than once you had a nice close up of someone shooting.  This close up would be tight enough to see their trigger finger going to work.  If only they could have squeezed such method acting out of the actual gun.  You guessed it, no sound, no firing, no nothing.  I became, much like the voice over, hard to focus on anything else.

You may notice that I made very little mention of the actual robots.  Bad CGI robots are better than no robots?  Not true, friends.  Not true.  Not only that, but the robots never really turned into anything.  I think one was a hill, and one may have been a tower.  No tanks, no semis, nothing at all interesting.  Most of the time they just dropped in and started attacking.  Which is fine, but this is a rip off of Transformers.  The robots in Transformers are in disguise, hence the catch phrase “robots in disguise.”  The robots in this movie are more along the lines of “robots in plain sight.”

You want a Transmorphers quote?  A little tribute to our batman and robin days apparently.  “Man.  You’d think that being cryogenically frozen for five years would chill you out.”

Overall rating:

 

 

 

1 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

And for the quotes from us?

Steve: “No, no I do not want my robot penis to be bigger.”

Steve: “That certainly looks like more than I grabbed.”

Ally: “Ha-ha.  You’re gonna hang out with pedophiles for the rest of eternity.”

David: “That movie sucked.  I’m getting some Tylenol.  Anyone else need it?”

So, week four is down and out.  And so are we.  This was one of the worst weeks yet.  Neither of the movies really had anything to offer.  Well, other than a headache and a newfound extreme hatred for robot movies.  All I can say is I am so ready for Bruce/Luke month to be over.  Or maybe I’m just ready for bad Christmas movies.  No, that cannot be it at all.  Well, that’s all for this week, tune in next week for the conclusion o this month.  Army of Darkness and Silent Venom.  Who’s excited?  You should be.

Thanks for listening chiiiildreeeen.

Perry + Campbell = You Do the Maths

Midway through Bruce Campbell/Luke Perry month, and things are well.  This month has not been nearly as bad as we had all worried it would be.  Still bad, very very bad…but not nearly as unenjoyable as we had foreseen. This week it was the exciting conclusion of Supernova and a delightful little Bruce Campbell movie involving airports, aliens and convicts.  We submit for your approval, Supernova part 2, and Terminal Invasion.

Supernova part 2

Person Responsible: David & Ally.

Now, before jumping into the plot of the second part of this movie…I would like to pose a question?  Why is St. Louis always the first to be destroyed?  This is not the first or even second movie in which St. Louis is the first to go.  Maybe they hate the people?  Maybe the arch just looks dramatic being blown apart.  Who knows?  All I know is that if the sun is going to explode, there is a robotic uprising or a black hole….the gateway to the west is not an ideal place to be.

Now, as far as the plot for part 2.  We start with a government agent helping Luke Perry escape from the underground facility.  You remember the underground failsafe facility that houses all the smart and attractive people in the US in case of just such an emergency.  Well, he escapes, and now they are on the run from the government and from solar flares that are now raining down on the landscape.

All the while, Peter Fonda is hanging out on a secluded beach waiting for the world to end.  He found a little bar and a little bar tender, and they fall madly in love over the course of the next two days.  How could this happen so quickly?  Well, first off, Peter Fonda has a sweet dolphin tattoo on his shoulder.  And second, the fact that there is never any other customer at this beach side bar.  So, they have plenty of alone time…until a solar flare comes raining down on their little cottage.  Beautiful.

Back to the Perry.  After stealing a car, they drive aimlessly through the desert while Luke Perry whines about not being able to figure out an equation.  “I wish Shepherd wasn’t so friggin’ smart and I wasn’t so stupid.”  That’s an excellent wish Luke Perry, don’t give up the dream.

So, they run out of gas and are left trying to fix a car in the middle of the night.  Ya, they ran out of gas, and they are trying to fix the car.  That’s when the rave-mobile drives up.  The rave-mobile is what appears to be a flatbed truck covered in Christmas lights, with a love seat in the back.  Also, it is just full to the brim with stoned drunk ravers on their way to an end of the world party.  So what does an on the lamb government official do when the see a very musical vehicle coming their way?  Pull her gun…just in case…you never know, they may be dangerous.

In a large derailment from the plot, Perry and his government gal pal get carted to this celebration of impending doom.  How to describe the party….dancing?  Check!  Alcohol?  Check!  Bad music?  Check!  Dirtbikes?  Check…?  Shrine to the forthcoming destruction of the world.  Check…?  What a great party!

After stealing another car, finally they make their way back to Perry’s lab so they can look for answers.  Well, the gangs all here.  His boss, the awkward reporter, the random scientists that have scurried around for the last three hours but never had a line.  They all collectively look for a flaw in the original formula…and they find it.  What does that mean?  It means that there will be no supernova.  Hey rioters and people undoubtedly committing suicide due to the utter destruction of the world…..Just Kidding!  What a croc.  Here are a few favorite moments:

1. No religious references throughout the whole movie…and then one random Revelations reference out of nowhere.
2. Bodies in trash bags…not even body bags…trash bags.
3. During the riots, there seemed to be a reoccurring theme:  If someone was on fire….he needs to be kicked.
4. The reporter that had been fighting and risking her career all movie to “get the truth out at whatever cost”, has a sudden change of conscience.  And I mean sudden.
5. Oh…the serial killer/rapist or whatever he is.  Man, he steals, kills his own “partner” and doesn’t even utter a word.  He is just so crazy!  He is so out of his mind that he just commits crimes all the time.  Of course he is surrounded by people beating each other and looting, so his utter insanity is perhaps lost in the mix.
6. The solar diarrhea.  I know, I know, it was in last week’s list…but it’s just so weird looking, that it warrants another mention.
7. The serial killer drops to all fours and runs around like a primate for a short time.
8. Luke Perry’s mouth acting wife who is tormented by the killer, all the sudden turns vigilante and guns him down on the deck.  And gets very angry at the gun that she used.  Gives the gun an awful look and throws it into the pond.
9. After the news is broken that there is no supernova, it starts to rain.  Everyone is so happy.  Dancing in the streets, laughing.  Even the patients of a make shift outside clinic are happy.  Are they excited about the terrible infection that this acid rain will be no doubt causing in there newly amputated limbs? …we may never know.

10. And if the entire thing was a miscalculation and the sun is not in fact going to blow up and destroy the earth…then where did all of those solar flares that decimated the earth come from?

That’s all I really care to write about this movie.  It was goofy, it was bad, and it was slightly entertaining at points.  And beware the drinking game.  Drink every time Luke Perry’s wife makes some strange facial expression to further explain her feelings.  It is not a good idea.  I’ll just say that I am very thankful that Steve brought extra.

I leave you with a little equation of my own:   Supernova part 1 + Supernova part 2 =not good.

In the immortal words of the main scientist “You do the maths.”

Overall Rating for Pt. 2:

 

 

2 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

 

 

Terminal Invasion

Person Responsible: Steve Brought it. David picked it.

We start off with Bruce Campbell in the back of a squad car.  Wait, Bruce is a convict?  Well, the officer driving the car crashes and they are now stuck wailing through a blizzard to the nearest building.  This building just so happens to be an airport that is housing a handful of frustrated passengers.   This blizzard has not only grounded all air traffic and made driving almost impossible…but it has also knocked out any kind of communication.  How convenient.

The officers and Bruce show up and there is immediate tension due to the convicted felon now present.  The action starts in the bathroom, that’s right, in the bathroom.  Bruce unmasks an alien due to his keen criminal knowledge of the details of religion.  The alien kills both of the officers before Bruce bashes his head in with a fire extinguisher.  Bruce then takes over the airport in order to escape the authorities that have not been called due to the blizzard.

Over the next hour and a half, there is a power struggle back and forth between Bruce and the self proclaimed “alpha female.”   The power changes hands back and forth throughout most of the movie until a mutual trust is found.  Oh ya, and of course they are finding out random members of the passengers are aliens.  Honestly, it’s almost a side story to the pissing contest between Bruce Campbell and the “alpha female.”

Now this movie had some special dialogue.  Most of the movie was completely predictable.  From what happened to what was said, there were very few surprises.  One of those few however, was a black man named Darien.  Darien practically oozed stereotype.  His speech, his slang, his cloths, the way he walked, his attitude and his name.  So awesome.  Best character of the movie.  And he ended up being the head alien.   Quite startling.

Now, this wasn’t so much a bad movie as it was just not a good movie.  It was like watching wings with a convict and aliens.  Here are some fun facts:

1. All of the action was shot and then sped up on screen, creating that night fast forward effect.
2. The line uttered by the businessman, “Can I have a pee?”
3. Darien refusing to believe that there are aliens and using evaporating bullets as the explanation for why the alien body evaporated after being shot.
4. Darien again refusing to believe that there are aliens.  This time he talks about technology that he knows we could have.  He knows all about area 51.  So, he used area 51 in his rant to discredit the possibility that it might be aliens.
5. Married couple argues all the time.  They have a sentimental moment and the husband says, “When we argue, it’s the only time we feel real.”   What?
6. The head alien (Darien), gets attacked by Bruce Campbell.  He hits him with a big wrench, and another big wrench, and a big pipe, and a tire iron.  None of them do a thing to him.  But then, he gets chopped up by the wooden propeller.
7. Shameless self promotion.  It is a SciFi channel original movie.  And there is dialogue about the SciFi channel in the movie.
8. An alien disguised as a woman got shot in the chest.  Where? You might ask.  So did we.  The bullet hole and blood didn’t appear for another two minutes.

This was another bad Bruce Campbell movie that was actually quite entertaining.  It was a very very poorly written (by 3 people) movie.  But it was just stupid enough to be enjoyable.

Overall Rating:

4 out of 5 Bruce Campbells

Let’s have some of our quotes from the night:

1. David “Cheese and Jesus?  Cheesus?”
2. Steve “Ally, we need your boobs for an experiment.”
3. Steve “I have fritos stuck in my teeth, and it’s excellent.”
4. Ally “That’s what I use MY airduct for.”
5. David  “So…pushing and screaming.  Good for having a baby and for avoiding aliens.”

So, all in all, a good third week to Bruce/Luke month.  Next week there will be a bit of a change and we are very excited about it.  I’m not gonna tell, because I am very good at keeping secrets.  Until next week…

Thanks for listening chiiiiiildreeeen!!!!